Save Your Pity Please

Recently, an old friend of mine posted something on her Facebook that got me thinking. She posted "10 things you didn't know about me", one of which was this; "I hate it when friends who have babies and post more photos of the baby then their husbands...can we say murder of a sex life?"

This got me thinking about how sometimes child free women view mommies. Is it bad to say that we are misunderstood by our child-free sisters? Dare I say they pity us, or do they just not understand? So here it is. I'm gonna answer some of the "why" questions our child-free friends may be wondering (many of which I have been asked by various people) . Maybe it'll shed some light and they will understand us, rather then pity us.

Q: Why don't you take care of yourself anymore?

A: We do take care of ourselves. Maybe not in the way you think I should. I try to eat well, work out if I get the time, sleep when I can. I try to stay healthy and fit. But if you mean why don't I get dolled up on a daily basis anymore, well, I spend most of my day with a baby. They don't judge me on what I'm wearing or what my make up looks like.

Q: Why do moms always cut their hair short or put their hair in a pony tail?

A: Time is limited. I don't have the luxury of spending 45 minute blow drying and flat ironing my hair. I have 5 minutes to get ready while you have 1 hour. I have to get another person ready too while you only have to take care of yourself. So yes, function over fashion. I think it's a good look for me.

Q: Why did you cancel your gym membership?

A: After putting the baby to bed, getting dinner on the table and doing the day to day things that make my household run I just can't find the time or energy. This is not to say I don't exercise. I carry around a 20 Lbs weight all day. Up stairs, down stairs. Into a crib, out of a crib. Onto the floor, off the floor. Add in a infant car seat...I'm carrying 30 Lbs. Check out my biceps, I can probably beat your ass in an arm wrestle.

Q: Guess you can kiss your high heels goodbye. Aren't you sad?

A: I may be in flats now, but that's not to say I'll never wear heels again. I just can't bring myself to wear my $300 Jimmy Choo's to strollercise, seems like a waste. Plus, you have to take your shoes off at Baby and Me classes anyways, so what's the point? Yeah, I'm sad. I didn't know I had to pick between hot shoes or a baby...I hope I made the right choice!

Q:Your home all day, why do you look so tired?

A: No answer. If you ask me this I'm afraid I may lunge over and smack you.

Q: Do you REALLY need all that baby gear?

A: Imagine this. You are unable to tell anyone you have to go to the bathroom, but you have to go all the time. You can't wipe your own butt, and when you do take a dump there is an off chance it may be so explosive it will shoot out the back of your diaper (even sometimes getting in your hair). You are on a special diet, and eat every few hours. You have to be occupied at all times, and at times you have trouble staying awake for more then 1 1/2 hrs. You can't stand, so you have to sit...anywhere, even dirty public bathrooms. Now also imagine you need someone to carry all of this for you because you are too little to do it yourself...that someone is me. I'm sorry I don't want to make my baby sit in a full diaper or leave her in an outfit where she just shit all over.

Q: Can't you sleep when the baby sleeps?

A: Can you sleep on demand? I can't

Q: Why are you in yoga pants all the time?

A: I bend down a lot! to pick up the baby, to pick up toys, to play with her, to clean up after her. I have 20 seconds to go to the bathroom when she is awake as to make sure she doesn't fall flat on er face, get into my BlueRay, or pull down a chair. Buttons and zippers take too long. Your not in yoga class, why are you wearing them?

Q: Why are all the pictures on Facebook of the baby?

A: For the same reason all the pictures of you are in a club. This is my life. She takes up most of my day and I like sharing the fun with family and friends.

Q: Why are the pictures only of the baby, and not of the family and you and your Husband?

A: I'm with the baby all day, sometimes the day goes by so fast I feel like I missed her doing something. I take pictures to capture memories to I can look back at them. Just like you and your friends getting shit faced on Saturday night. It's hard to get a family picture. It's just the 3 of us and if mommy and daddy are in the picture, well, baby hasn't figured out how to use the camera yet.

Q: Your sex life must suck!

A: Not that it's any of your business but...not it's just fine thank you. After a long sleep deprived day of work, house and baby honestly, you are too tired to get to the dirty dirty. However, DH and I find the time. It may not be as crazy, hot and wild as before, but hey we've also been together for almost a decade. We also love the personal time when we do get it since we know that it can be hard to come by. You know when my sex life sucked? when I was single.

sometimes I talk to my child free friends and they sound like they feel so sorry for me. Please don't be sorry, I'm not. Yes, I have spit up on shoulder, my hair is in a pony tail, I wear yoga pants, I run on 5 hours sleep a night and sometimes I'm elbow deep in shit, but this is my life. I choose to bring a life into this world, I choose to have a child. I may complain but it's not for you to feel sorry for me, it's because you are the first adult I've talked to all day. Don't pity me, my life is filled with so much joy. I look at my husband and get to know that he is the best man I've ever known and he is a wonderful father. I get to enjoy seeing my husband totally melt when his daughter hugs him. I get to hear this tiny person call out "mama" and smile at me when I look into her eyes. I enjoy baby kisses and cuddles and unconditional love (for now). I get the gift of wonder when I make a silly sound and hear my daughter giggle and I get to hug my daughter and know she will be my baby forever. So please don't pity me. Just be understanding. Understand that I may always be 15 minutes late to our coffee date, I may smell like throw up sometimes, I may have to cancel on you at the last minute and I may have to pull out a boob in front of you when I'm not prepared for a feeding.

Oh Sugar!

At around my 24th week, I, like almost all preggo women had to do my glucose test, aka, the nasty sugary orange drink test. This tested if I would have gestational diabetes. GD is more common in certain ethnic groups and I happen to be one of them.

Wikipedia defines Gestational Diabetes (GD) as:

Gestational diabetes (or gestational diabetes mellitus, GDM) is a condition in which women without previously diagnosed diabetes exhibit high blood glucose levels during pregnancy (especially during third trimester of pregnancy).

Gestational diabetes generally has few symptoms and it is most commonly diagnosed by screening during pregnancy. Diagnostic tests detect inappropriately high levels of glucose in blood samples. Gestational diabetes affects 3-10% of pregnancies, depending on the population studied.^[2]

Babies born to mothers with gestational diabetes are typically at increased risk of problems such as being large for gestational age (which may lead to delivery complications), low blood sugar, and jaundice. Gestational diabetes is a treatable condition and women who have adequate control of glucose levels can effectively decrease these risks.

At first, I also defined it as being a pain in the ass, but after the a few hours I realized this could be a blessing in disguise. My placenta was blocking my insulin production, so if left unmonitored my high blood sugar could result in me giving birth to a giant baby; something I did not look forward to pushing out. So my test came back positive, I knew this would go away after I gave birth and after the placenta was out of me but while preggo I was going to have to monitor what I ate, Sour dough dipped in balsamic and garlic olive oil and crazy no amounts of fresh white pasta for me, cupcakes were now put on the "maybe just half" list and trips to Bulk Barn for sugary snacks have now been shelved. As mentioned in previous posts, my body was no longer my own. I had a baby to take care of and that was priority number 1. So to limit and control sugar and complex carbs may be annoying but in the end if I have a healthy baby it's all worth it so I don't mind shelving chocolate for the next 3 months. I am really luck however, this baby has been craving all the good stuff, fruits, veggies and hardly any red meat. However, I did now have to control my fruit intake. I had to go from eating 5 servings of fruit alone to only 2. Bye bye apple and pear combo in the morning, Baby likes apples.

As much of a pain in the ass it is to test my blood sugar I see this as sort of a blessing. I've always loved food and loved carbs. Bread, white, crusty bread was always a favorite; but I know how bad it is for you too. Plus, all I have to do is control what I eat, at least I don't have to use medication or worse, inject my self in the ass with insulin. One of my fears was to gain a crazy amount of weight with this pregnancy. With the possibility of Gestational Diabetes a controlled diet has helped me control that. As of my last OB appointment (4 weeks ago) I had gained a total of 16 Lbs; today's visit I lost 7 off that. So entering my third trimester I'm going in healthier, not heavier (by much), but of course we'll see what the next 10 weeks will bring. In a few weeks I'll find out how big this baby is (and maybe the sex) and monitor it's growth. Cross your fingers its not a turkey! For my VaJJ's sake I'll cross my fingers and toes!

You Are What You Eat

I'm sure I'm not the only first time mother to feel this way, and I'm confident that I wont be the last. Despite all the happiness and wonder that comes with having a baby, there is also an equal, if not greater, amount of fear. Not the fear of child birth (not yet anyways, that will come later) but the fear of messing up and doing something I shouldn't thus potentially hurting this developing baby inside of me. What if I sneeze too hard? Are the hot showers I take too hot? My salad had feta cheese on it and I ate it, will that hurt my baby? A million other what if's run through my head and it's never ending. I mean in the beginning we read what we can about what not to do, but there are always people out there who impose their own theories on you. Family and cultural beliefs that are not based on medical fact but rather cultural folklore, no matter how silly they may seem, they plant this "what if its true" seed in your brain and it can really mess with your head.

"Don't eat watermelon or anything that cools your body temperature" says my dad "it messes with your Che". WHAT? "your Che, balance. You have to keep balance, so don't drink to many cold drinks" he continued. This to me sounded ridiculous, but everything I'm presented with watermelon, guess what I don't eat it...totally messed with my head. I've always been a pretty private person when it comes to people giving me advise, I usually take it with a grain of salt and not really pay too much attention. However, since I'm dealing with uncharted territory here I tend to give a bit more attention when it comes to the stuff people say. But at the same time I know some if it is complete bull$hit; but I can't help to stand on the side of caution.

For example, tea. I'm Chinese and we drink tea...lots and lots of tea, jasmine tea , green tea, orange pekoe, Hong Kong "special" tea. But some teas have caffeine which should be limited when pregnant. When I refused some jasmine tea at dim sum one morning on a visit back home to Toronto my sister said "Really? tell that to all those pregnant Chinese women we see drinking tea with dinner." She made a good point, I mean didn't China have one of the worlds largest populations? Tea hadn't hindered the birth rate of my peoples; was this another bull$hit theory? Yet, I still don't drink tea, any tea.

So here is a list of 10 things I've been steering clear of of far, some may have medical proof to back it up and some are just things people have told me and have messed with my head. I guess some things we'll just never know but better safe then sorry I say.

1. Caffeine (Cola, Coffee, certain teas)

2. Deli meats

3. Unpasteurized dairy (goat cheese, blue cheese)

4. Shellfish (I limit this to once a week in limited amounts)

5. Watermelon, ginseng and other foods that "cool your Che" (thanks dad)

6. Sushi

7. High mercury fish such as swordfish

8. Sugar (possible danger of gestational diabetes)

9. Unwashed fruits and veggies

10. Undercooked meats (I used to like my steak med-rare)

All I know is this, when baby is out, I'm going to for all-you-can eat sushi, drinking lots of green tea and cola with a super sugary dessert, and maybe some watermelon too.

Invasion on the body snatchers

Early into my pregnancy I noticed some changes in my body. You had the standard larger and tender breasts, nausea, bad skin, greasy hair and extreme fatigue. But I also noticed strange little things like a bionic sense of smell (really, I could smell what DH had for lunch when I kissed him as I walked through our front door), and increase in saliva and nasal congestion (so attractive). It turned out my body was no longer my own, I was merely a vessel for breeding, a fact I would learn would prove more true as my pregnancy progressed.

All of the sudden my body was no longer my own. In an instant I had gone from being a active independent woman to a human incubator. I would eat things I wouldn't normally eat, the food I did eat would take longer to pass through since the embryo was getting all it could from everything I was eating (we'll get to that later) , scents that I never minded before suddenly made me want to throw up and my bed time had gone from 11:30Pm on a weeknight to 8:00pm. Now, like many men I'm sure that DH didn't mind that his new wife's boobs had grown but alas, no fun to be had since they would hurt like a MotherF'er and I'm sure my early morning hacking and nose blowing was just the attractive wake up call he had been dreaming of. For me the tipping point where I realized my body was no longer my own was when my regular pants wouldn't fit anymore. I had to graduate to wearing fat pants (aka, yoga pants) most of the time. I was getting too big for my regular jeans, and too small to start with maternity pants. All I could do to accommodate my growing ass, amongst other things, was wear dresses and stretchy pants, but since it was getting colder here in Ottawa yoga pants were my stretchy pants of choice. Due to my limited fashion selection I didn't go out much. Heading out for a casual dinner with friends in yoga pants was still somewhat acceptable but going to a nice place with DH for a chef tasting in stretchy pants; not cool, which was fine with me....more time to sleep. Plus, I would soon learn there was a whole list of foods I should avoid.

Don't get me wrong, I was more then willing to give up my body for 9 months if it meant I would be rewarded with a healthy , happy baby at the end. Even during the misery of throwing up, the pain of new bigger boobs and no longer fitting into my fat pants because my ass was getting bigger and bigger all I could do for weeks was look at myself in the mirror before a getting into the shower and rub my belly and smile. We were having a baby. I was now human incubator and I was OK with it.

Morning Sickness sucks!

One tell tale sign you have a bun in the oven is when you suddenly have the urge to throw up....Lovely. What people don't tell you is that morning sickness is not limited to the morning. It can happen when ever, where ever; morning, evening, ALL DAY LONG! I started being acquainted with the Morning sickness monster around 7-8 weeks in. Now I was lucky enough not to have the morning sickness hang around for very long, it ended for me at the 12 week mark, right around the time I moved into my 2nd trimester, but some poor women have it or much longer, or sometimes I've heard it comes back after a few months...eeek.

Despite my short (and somewhat light) experience with daily upchucking I can tell you it's no walk in the park, especially if you are like me and hate throwing up. The action of puking your brains out is only half the battle, you still deal with this gut-rot feeling lingering all day long. You don't want to throw up....but you feel like you just might and since your senses are heightened, certain smells can put you over the edge. Oh, and the looks and comments you get from people, they're just peachy too. I was blessed enough to have to yak everyday at around 5:00pm; keep in mind, I'm usually still at work at this time. Nothing like running into the work bathroom to upchuck as your co workers hear the faint sound of BLAH...BLAH in the background. And come on, lets face it nobody looks pretty afterwards either, especially when your tired and feeling drained all the time. Funny thing is, when you come back to your desk you get a mixed bag of reactions. Some people keep their head down and pretend they didn't hear you (thank you for minding your own business) and then you have have others that make a stupid comment, or even mimic a vomiting action (those people are assholes).

People tell you little tricks to suppress morning sickness like, stay away from eating too much, don't get too hungry or have some soda crackers and ginger ale but honestly it really depends on the person. I munched on soda crackers, and made sure I was never running on empty and it didn't stop me from running into the bathroom everyday. My advise would be just this; opt5 for a sink when you can. To me getting my head close to where an ass was just makes things even more gross. That, and watch what you eat. Some things are really bad coming back up. Mental note: stay way from bacon cheese burgers and shawarma...trust me.