Save Your Pity Please

Recently, an old friend of mine posted something on her Facebook that got me thinking. She posted "10 things you didn't know about me", one of which was this; "I hate it when friends who have babies and post more photos of the baby then their husbands...can we say murder of a sex life?"

This got me thinking about how sometimes child free women view mommies. Is it bad to say that we are misunderstood by our child-free sisters? Dare I say they pity us, or do they just not understand? So here it is. I'm gonna answer some of the "why" questions our child-free friends may be wondering (many of which I have been asked by various people) . Maybe it'll shed some light and they will understand us, rather then pity us.

Q: Why don't you take care of yourself anymore?

A: We do take care of ourselves. Maybe not in the way you think I should. I try to eat well, work out if I get the time, sleep when I can. I try to stay healthy and fit. But if you mean why don't I get dolled up on a daily basis anymore, well, I spend most of my day with a baby. They don't judge me on what I'm wearing or what my make up looks like.

Q: Why do moms always cut their hair short or put their hair in a pony tail?

A: Time is limited. I don't have the luxury of spending 45 minute blow drying and flat ironing my hair. I have 5 minutes to get ready while you have 1 hour. I have to get another person ready too while you only have to take care of yourself. So yes, function over fashion. I think it's a good look for me.

Q: Why did you cancel your gym membership?

A: After putting the baby to bed, getting dinner on the table and doing the day to day things that make my household run I just can't find the time or energy. This is not to say I don't exercise. I carry around a 20 Lbs weight all day. Up stairs, down stairs. Into a crib, out of a crib. Onto the floor, off the floor. Add in a infant car seat...I'm carrying 30 Lbs. Check out my biceps, I can probably beat your ass in an arm wrestle.

Q: Guess you can kiss your high heels goodbye. Aren't you sad?

A: I may be in flats now, but that's not to say I'll never wear heels again. I just can't bring myself to wear my $300 Jimmy Choo's to strollercise, seems like a waste. Plus, you have to take your shoes off at Baby and Me classes anyways, so what's the point? Yeah, I'm sad. I didn't know I had to pick between hot shoes or a baby...I hope I made the right choice!

Q:Your home all day, why do you look so tired?

A: No answer. If you ask me this I'm afraid I may lunge over and smack you.

Q: Do you REALLY need all that baby gear?

A: Imagine this. You are unable to tell anyone you have to go to the bathroom, but you have to go all the time. You can't wipe your own butt, and when you do take a dump there is an off chance it may be so explosive it will shoot out the back of your diaper (even sometimes getting in your hair). You are on a special diet, and eat every few hours. You have to be occupied at all times, and at times you have trouble staying awake for more then 1 1/2 hrs. You can't stand, so you have to sit...anywhere, even dirty public bathrooms. Now also imagine you need someone to carry all of this for you because you are too little to do it yourself...that someone is me. I'm sorry I don't want to make my baby sit in a full diaper or leave her in an outfit where she just shit all over.

Q: Can't you sleep when the baby sleeps?

A: Can you sleep on demand? I can't

Q: Why are you in yoga pants all the time?

A: I bend down a lot! to pick up the baby, to pick up toys, to play with her, to clean up after her. I have 20 seconds to go to the bathroom when she is awake as to make sure she doesn't fall flat on er face, get into my BlueRay, or pull down a chair. Buttons and zippers take too long. Your not in yoga class, why are you wearing them?

Q: Why are all the pictures on Facebook of the baby?

A: For the same reason all the pictures of you are in a club. This is my life. She takes up most of my day and I like sharing the fun with family and friends.

Q: Why are the pictures only of the baby, and not of the family and you and your Husband?

A: I'm with the baby all day, sometimes the day goes by so fast I feel like I missed her doing something. I take pictures to capture memories to I can look back at them. Just like you and your friends getting shit faced on Saturday night. It's hard to get a family picture. It's just the 3 of us and if mommy and daddy are in the picture, well, baby hasn't figured out how to use the camera yet.

Q: Your sex life must suck!

A: Not that it's any of your business but...not it's just fine thank you. After a long sleep deprived day of work, house and baby honestly, you are too tired to get to the dirty dirty. However, DH and I find the time. It may not be as crazy, hot and wild as before, but hey we've also been together for almost a decade. We also love the personal time when we do get it since we know that it can be hard to come by. You know when my sex life sucked? when I was single.

sometimes I talk to my child free friends and they sound like they feel so sorry for me. Please don't be sorry, I'm not. Yes, I have spit up on shoulder, my hair is in a pony tail, I wear yoga pants, I run on 5 hours sleep a night and sometimes I'm elbow deep in shit, but this is my life. I choose to bring a life into this world, I choose to have a child. I may complain but it's not for you to feel sorry for me, it's because you are the first adult I've talked to all day. Don't pity me, my life is filled with so much joy. I look at my husband and get to know that he is the best man I've ever known and he is a wonderful father. I get to enjoy seeing my husband totally melt when his daughter hugs him. I get to hear this tiny person call out "mama" and smile at me when I look into her eyes. I enjoy baby kisses and cuddles and unconditional love (for now). I get the gift of wonder when I make a silly sound and hear my daughter giggle and I get to hug my daughter and know she will be my baby forever. So please don't pity me. Just be understanding. Understand that I may always be 15 minutes late to our coffee date, I may smell like throw up sometimes, I may have to cancel on you at the last minute and I may have to pull out a boob in front of you when I'm not prepared for a feeding.

Mama Bear

I've realized one of the possible reasons Baby E needs us to rock her to sleep night after night. Mommy needs to rock her to sleep night after night. Dispite the number it's doing on my back, no matter how much sleep I loose and my mounting frustration of her lack of sleep at the end of the day I will admit, I am to blame for Baby E's dependnce on me and DH. Before Baby E was a reality, I had always said I would not be a super protective mother. I wouldn't coddle, I would let them explore and let her be independent. HA! yeah right!. I will say now that I think I am one of the most protective mothers I know. I hate to hear her cry or see her upset and if I had to I would hold her all night and forgo my sanity to make her happy. Now, some of my non-mommy friends may scoff and shake their heads, heck, some of my mommy friends may do the same but I make no apologies.

I think that it's natural for a first time mom to be protective, maybe not as excessive as I am, but hey, if I do something I don't go half ass. I mean you are suddenly responsible for this whole other person. They depend on you for EVERYTHING. You are in charge of keeping them happy, clean, healthy and most of all safe. If they cry you naturally want to comfort them, if they are dirty you naturally want to clean them and if they are happy, you naturally want to keep that smile on their face for as long as possible. Some people may say being too protective is spoiling your child. I tend to disagree. Sure, Baby E may be fine in a loud arena while DH and I take in a Hockey game. She will also be fine putting that toy in her mouth after X amount of kids had played with it before her, but I don't think I will let it happen if I can help it. I say being protective is doing what is natural. Giving all the love that I have, all the attention that I can and all the time I can doesn't mean I'm spoiling my baby. Giving my baby new things every week and giving into tantrums in the Wal-Mart toy section is spoiling them. What I am doing is trying to be a good mom, when the day comes when I don't feel the need to protect my child (be it from germs, excessive noise or other people), that is the day I should rethink being a mom.

Not Without Sacrifice.

3 weeks in, 3 boxes of new born size diapers, 1 pack of size one diapers, 3 packs of wet wipes, numerous late night feedings, 1 emotional break-down. Yes, I said it, I broke. Holding a crying, fussy baby I found myself starting to cry. Maybe it was hormones, maybe it was the lack of sleep who knows. After composing myself with a nice little 2 hour nap and DH banishing me out of the house for an hour after he got home from work, I was right as rain again. All day Baby E was crying and wouldn't sleep when I put her down. I'd pick her up, she'd stop. I'd set her down, she'd cry...and so it went on all day, from 7am to 5 pm. I couldn't very well just leave her and let her cry in her crib, so there I was rocking a baby on and off for close to 10 hours, with small breaks to eat, pee and get in a 20 minute cat nap. I guess at that point I thought to myself "What was I doing wrong?"

24 hours later I realized that we as new first time mothers just have to step back sometimes and give in. After talking to other moms I see now that there are a number of factors that lead Baby down this road of excerising her lungs and super clingyness. Not that I was doing anything wrong, just had to listen to the her and not try to control the situation. Baby E is currently going through a growth spurt, which means her eating and sleeping patterens are all over the place, leaving her extra fussy. Also, since she is still only3 weeks old I have to keep in mind Baby E has no sense of time and or habit. Baby E is still in what they call they "4th trimester" where she is still used to the womb and all it's coushy comforts. My job is to make sure she feels that, even if it means making sacrafices. I will admit I have yet to fully come to grips with this adjustment. Maybe because my baby expiriance has not been with a newborn but with babies who were 3 months plus. With them, they already had sleep pattens and less fussiness.

I know there are books out there that tell mom's what to exspect int he first few weeks after birth. People tell you about it but if you are like me you take it with a grain of salt and think you can handle it. But honestly, nothing can prepare you for whats in store unless you actually live through it. Only then will you know that you have to really adjust rather then try to control the situation. But after taking some time away from the situation, I realize that no matter how fussy, how tired, how stressful things may be, once you look at your baby and he/she smiles at you (be it an intentional smile or just muscle movement) that momentary feeling of pure joy makes it all worth it and you would be willing to give up all the sleep in the world to make sure your baby is happy. I mean come on, if the train wrecks on MTV's Teen Mom can raise a healthy child, there is no reason in the world why I can't.