Save Your Pity Please

Recently, an old friend of mine posted something on her Facebook that got me thinking. She posted "10 things you didn't know about me", one of which was this; "I hate it when friends who have babies and post more photos of the baby then their husbands...can we say murder of a sex life?"

This got me thinking about how sometimes child free women view mommies. Is it bad to say that we are misunderstood by our child-free sisters? Dare I say they pity us, or do they just not understand? So here it is. I'm gonna answer some of the "why" questions our child-free friends may be wondering (many of which I have been asked by various people) . Maybe it'll shed some light and they will understand us, rather then pity us.

Q: Why don't you take care of yourself anymore?

A: We do take care of ourselves. Maybe not in the way you think I should. I try to eat well, work out if I get the time, sleep when I can. I try to stay healthy and fit. But if you mean why don't I get dolled up on a daily basis anymore, well, I spend most of my day with a baby. They don't judge me on what I'm wearing or what my make up looks like.

Q: Why do moms always cut their hair short or put their hair in a pony tail?

A: Time is limited. I don't have the luxury of spending 45 minute blow drying and flat ironing my hair. I have 5 minutes to get ready while you have 1 hour. I have to get another person ready too while you only have to take care of yourself. So yes, function over fashion. I think it's a good look for me.

Q: Why did you cancel your gym membership?

A: After putting the baby to bed, getting dinner on the table and doing the day to day things that make my household run I just can't find the time or energy. This is not to say I don't exercise. I carry around a 20 Lbs weight all day. Up stairs, down stairs. Into a crib, out of a crib. Onto the floor, off the floor. Add in a infant car seat...I'm carrying 30 Lbs. Check out my biceps, I can probably beat your ass in an arm wrestle.

Q: Guess you can kiss your high heels goodbye. Aren't you sad?

A: I may be in flats now, but that's not to say I'll never wear heels again. I just can't bring myself to wear my $300 Jimmy Choo's to strollercise, seems like a waste. Plus, you have to take your shoes off at Baby and Me classes anyways, so what's the point? Yeah, I'm sad. I didn't know I had to pick between hot shoes or a baby...I hope I made the right choice!

Q:Your home all day, why do you look so tired?

A: No answer. If you ask me this I'm afraid I may lunge over and smack you.

Q: Do you REALLY need all that baby gear?

A: Imagine this. You are unable to tell anyone you have to go to the bathroom, but you have to go all the time. You can't wipe your own butt, and when you do take a dump there is an off chance it may be so explosive it will shoot out the back of your diaper (even sometimes getting in your hair). You are on a special diet, and eat every few hours. You have to be occupied at all times, and at times you have trouble staying awake for more then 1 1/2 hrs. You can't stand, so you have to sit...anywhere, even dirty public bathrooms. Now also imagine you need someone to carry all of this for you because you are too little to do it yourself...that someone is me. I'm sorry I don't want to make my baby sit in a full diaper or leave her in an outfit where she just shit all over.

Q: Can't you sleep when the baby sleeps?

A: Can you sleep on demand? I can't

Q: Why are you in yoga pants all the time?

A: I bend down a lot! to pick up the baby, to pick up toys, to play with her, to clean up after her. I have 20 seconds to go to the bathroom when she is awake as to make sure she doesn't fall flat on er face, get into my BlueRay, or pull down a chair. Buttons and zippers take too long. Your not in yoga class, why are you wearing them?

Q: Why are all the pictures on Facebook of the baby?

A: For the same reason all the pictures of you are in a club. This is my life. She takes up most of my day and I like sharing the fun with family and friends.

Q: Why are the pictures only of the baby, and not of the family and you and your Husband?

A: I'm with the baby all day, sometimes the day goes by so fast I feel like I missed her doing something. I take pictures to capture memories to I can look back at them. Just like you and your friends getting shit faced on Saturday night. It's hard to get a family picture. It's just the 3 of us and if mommy and daddy are in the picture, well, baby hasn't figured out how to use the camera yet.

Q: Your sex life must suck!

A: Not that it's any of your business but...not it's just fine thank you. After a long sleep deprived day of work, house and baby honestly, you are too tired to get to the dirty dirty. However, DH and I find the time. It may not be as crazy, hot and wild as before, but hey we've also been together for almost a decade. We also love the personal time when we do get it since we know that it can be hard to come by. You know when my sex life sucked? when I was single.

sometimes I talk to my child free friends and they sound like they feel so sorry for me. Please don't be sorry, I'm not. Yes, I have spit up on shoulder, my hair is in a pony tail, I wear yoga pants, I run on 5 hours sleep a night and sometimes I'm elbow deep in shit, but this is my life. I choose to bring a life into this world, I choose to have a child. I may complain but it's not for you to feel sorry for me, it's because you are the first adult I've talked to all day. Don't pity me, my life is filled with so much joy. I look at my husband and get to know that he is the best man I've ever known and he is a wonderful father. I get to enjoy seeing my husband totally melt when his daughter hugs him. I get to hear this tiny person call out "mama" and smile at me when I look into her eyes. I enjoy baby kisses and cuddles and unconditional love (for now). I get the gift of wonder when I make a silly sound and hear my daughter giggle and I get to hug my daughter and know she will be my baby forever. So please don't pity me. Just be understanding. Understand that I may always be 15 minutes late to our coffee date, I may smell like throw up sometimes, I may have to cancel on you at the last minute and I may have to pull out a boob in front of you when I'm not prepared for a feeding.

It's a Mommy Thing.

Listen, I'm sure that fathers out there feel just as connected to their children as mothers do, but reality is they're not. Last night I was very emotional (one of the joys of post pardum) and DH asked me what could be done to make me less stressed. Hire a nanny? Baby sitter? I told him none of the above, nothing. You see, I recently started weaning Baby E onto formula. I had been Breast feeding up to this point and finally have come to terms that there is no shame in me giving her formula. I've breast fed for 7 1/2 months and some would say that is pretty darn good. Especially since I've been dealing with supply issues since Baby E was 12 weeks old.

Let's just say Baby E has not been a happy camper since I have only been offering the breast once a day (soon to be zero times a day). She origianally took to purees and formula with no issues but recently has refused or taken very little of either; I figure she knows her days on the boob are numbered. Any mother will tell you, when your baby doesn't eat well, you worry (and get very fustrated and stressed). So there I was, offering purees 3 times a day and offering a bottle of formula when i though she was hungry... washing most of it down the drain day after day.

I was sad, fustrated, stressed and yes, sleep deprived (post partum insomnia is also a bitch!) I told him, there is nothing he could do. I worry, if it's not about what and how much she is eating, it's about her development, her sleep, her happiness, me being a bad mother. Mothers worry, some more then others; me, more then most.

I felt bad telling DH that I didn't think he understood. I mean, he loves Baby E just as much as I do. But I really don't think he does. Even friends (non-mothers) who tell me not to worry, I'm doing a fine job, I really don't think they get it ether. Not to sound trite, but something changes in you when you become a mother. You have a whole new reason for living. This tiny person is looking to you for everything and until you hear them crying and screaming "mama" and you knowing "mama" is you do you understand how heart wrenching it is not to be able to instantly make them feel better. If they fall it takes everything in you not to want to break their fall, even though you know that have to learn on their own.

I always thought that I would be one of those women who went with the flow. That I wouldn't worry so much, about everything. I used to say 'Those mothers are too attached, too clingy' If I've learned anything these past 7 months it's this. A mother can never feel too attached, too clingy, it's impossible. I guess if the day ever came that I stopped worrying that I was being a good enough mother, that's the day I'm really not.

Asian Canadian?

So where the heck have I been? I've been around, not sleeping has a way with messing with your head so, even though I've had things I'd like to share, I've stayed away in fear that I would type something incoherent and totally off the chain. I'm sure you've heard enough about Baby E's struggle with sleep so I'll spare you ...for now.

So yesterday was Chinese New Year. Kung Hay Fat Choi to my Asian peeps. It's the year of the Dragon, what that means is beyond me. Which brings me to the reason I'm posting. As a child my family would celebrate CNY in grand style. Granted, we lived in a predominate Chinese community and now I live in Ottawa, where people think great Chinese food comes from a take out place and includes a giant order of Chicken balls and "red sauce''. Let me explain to thouse unfamiliar with Canada's capital city. It's a great place, nice people, clean and family friendly. However, ethnic diversity is nothing compared to where I grew up, Markham, Ontario (just north of Toronto).

Now that we are parents DH and I are very aware of how "Canadian" Baby E will be. Take CNY for example. We did nothing. OK I posted something on Facebook, I called my mom and took Baby E to her great grandmothers to wish a happy new year, but that's it. DH and I give out lucky money not for tradition, but for obligation (since Baby E will be sure to receive some) I didn't go out and buy fresh flowers, I didn't decorate the house or put out treats, we didn't see a dragon dance, all CNY traditions. I'm finding it difficult to infuse Asian culture into Baby E's life. I'm Chinese and DH is Vietnamese, yes there are similarities, but the two cultures are vastly different. I was born in Canada and DH immigrated here when he was 4 years old. Safe to say we are both pretty "Canadian".

I feel like we may be jipping Baby E out of something. I try to speak Cantonese to here (when I remember) but I always forget, since I'm the only one in our family who speaks a different language. I guess I fear that one day, she will be visiting my family in Toronto and wonder why she doesn't understand what her cousins are saying, why they can speak to grandma and grandpa in a different language and she can't. Why they eat congee (Asian rice porridge) for breakfast and she prefers bacon and eggs.

I love that I live 5 hours away from my family, it limits drama but sometimes I wish I lived closer, not for me but for Baby E.

By the way, Baby E will never eat a chicken ball with "red sauce" if I have anything to do with it.

Growing Up So Fast.

I can't believe it. Baby E is 6 months old. I just want to say that it really does go by so fast. To all those new moms out there who are frustrated and aggravated because of lack of sleep (I'm in that boat too) and can't seem to get everything done in a day (also in that boat as well) cherish the little moments that make you smile. You know people always say it goes by so fast...guess what, it really does. Sure the baby gets more fun when they can sit up, giggle and interact. But all the little things like cuddles, rocking to sleep...those things as they get bigger and older become no more and even if you want to do it, you can't.

Baby E is now eating purees and sitting up. This means less time breast feeding and she is way too big to be rocked to sleep comfortably. Yes, I still do it when she is fussy, but I remember the times I would rock her for 45 min and it would drive me nuts. Guess what, sometimes I wish I could do it now, just so I can see her sleeping in my arms.

So final words: You may hate it now, but believe me, in a few months you'll miss it. So look on the bright side and try to enjoy the little wonderful moments...that is all

I Am Not a Shit Mom!

A few weeks ago a dear friend of mine told me she was pregnant. I am super excited for her and happy that she is about to be a mom for the first time. As I logged off our Facebook chat I thought of all the things I wanted to tell her, advise and things that she may not yet have known about pregnancy. Then, a few days later an acquaintance of mine messaged me. "Let me fix your sleeping problems" she wrote. "My son does this this and this and I think you should do this this and this". As I read her message I started to get a bit pissed off. She made me feel like a shit mom for having a baby who sleeps at 9:30/ 10pm. She made me feel like a loser because her son (who is the same age as Baby E) takes 3 naps a day while my daughter takes 4. I mean who the f' asked you for help anyways? I closed the laptop, took a breath and reminded myself that Baby E is happy and healthy. And that I AM NOT A SHIT MOM! Every baby is different and this "acquaintance" has too much time on her hands and reads too many baby sleep books.

So this got me thinking about my friend who just told me she was expecting. I had all these things I wanted to tell her but now I've checked myself. I'm gonna keep that shit to myself until she asks. It's funny. I guess women like to share thier experiences (after all I am blogging about it, but you log on out of your own free will) and they like to give advise. But sometimes we really have to check it at the door. Not everyone whats to hear about our experiences, or what we did and how we did it. Especially when they are having a hard time with something....like sleep, the last thing we need is someone telling us how they did it better. If advise and information is being seeked, those who seek it will ask for it and go actively looking for it. I guess the last thing they need is someone telling them how it should be done, rather they want to do it themselves and learn from experiences.

So there it is. I am a non-shit mom who is keeping her mouth shut!...I'll just type it out on this blog :)

Morning Sickness or Something I Ate?

Sunday morning I woke up with a bit of a scare. I wasn't feeling too hot and well just plain sick. As I placed Baby E down after her wake up feeding it hit me; I ran to the bathroom and....threw up. WTF? As I rinsed out the nastiness from my mouth I began to think, where was my period? I should be getting it if not already gotten it already. My heart almost stopped. Don't get me wrong, I want to have another baby but not right now. DH and I would like to wait till March so I can go back on Maternity Leave for baby #2. In Canada you have to be back to work for at least 4 months to get benefits from the government for a full year. Plus, the thought of being Preggo again while still trying to figure this parenting thing out...oh dear god! I always look at mothers with 2 under 2 years with such admiration, they are truly superheros...and ones with 3 under 3 years...well, you're just plain crazy! :P

I walked back into our bedroom with Baby E in hand and I could see it on DH's face. I passed it off like it must have been something I ate but I wasn't 100% sure. Thankfully I did get my period later on that day so must have been something I ate. No baby #2 just yet. Hopefully, when March rolls around Baby#2 will too.

Thank goodness this all happened on a Sunday. DH was at home and took care of Baby E all day while I slept. All I had to do was nurse her and back to bed I went. Last night I asked him how he liked it. He says to me "I was exhausted by the end of the day!" good to know he now knows how I feel everyday :)

Sleep Baby Sleep...Trying Something New

Late night our put down wake up 1.5 hours later dance occurred again...Baby E woke from her 7pm bedtime put down at 8:30pm (in the middle of mommy's Gossip Girl) and didn't go back to bed till about 10pm. She woke up as happy as can be like it was any other nap. I honestly think the is used to having 4 naps a day and recently because she has woken up later, she has only had 3 before bedtime, shes just trying to stick with what she knows. I mean she has no concept of time, she doesn't know that after she goes to bed mommy can catch up on her guilty pleasures like Gossip Girl, Vampire Diaries and Gray's Anatomy...don't judge.

So I'm gonna try something new today. Since Baby E had been going to bed later she has also been waking up later. This morning she woke up at 6am (after going to bed at 10pm!), not enough sleep I know but I kept her up at 6am with the hopes that she will go back to her previous schedule. I know it doesn't always work that way with babies but I have to give it a go and see what happens. I mean isn't that what first time moms do? They throw shit at the wall and see what sticks?!

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November 29, 2011

Update: 2 words- Epic FAIL!

To say that none of the shit I have thrown to the wall stuck would be an understatement. So Baby E continues to wake up at 6-7am every morning. But she still refuses to sleep till 9:30/10pm (last night it was 1am) I have to get her to drop that last nap at 5/6pm but how? I've tried to wake her up early from the nap but she somehow finds a way to get back into a pattern where she wakes up at 8pm and is up till 10pm...I guess I just have to keep trying.

Isn't it sad when your baby's bedtime is later then yours?

Sleep Baby Sleep

Since about 4 months Baby E has become a decent sleeper. This is when we taught her to fall asleep on her own. No more rocking for an hour and walking around like a zombie. It was much easier this time around since her skill to self soothe herself was much stronger. Now, when we see she is tired we bring her up to her room, read her a story, pit her down when she yawns and close the door. Sometimes, she will whine or fuss but nothing really more then 10 min. Usually she just pops her thumb in her mouth and goes down without a fight.

Only now do I realize that Baby E is actually a pretty good sleeper...she would go to bed at 6:30pm wake at around 1am and go to 6am (sometimes there is a 4am feeding too). Until, recently. So when the change to daylights savings time came it was a bit rough, she would go down at 5am and wake at around 4am (how fun for me) but as time progressed she found her old schedule again...that is until about a week ago.

Baby E hit 5 months old and something changed. She would wake up 1hr after I put her down for bed and stay up till 9 sometimes 10pm! At first I thought it was because DH was away for work and she somehow felt he was gone, but DH has since come home and still wake ups after her bedtime put down.

I know I can't fight it and I can't force her to sleep (crying it out does not work when she is not tired) so I just have to pick her up and wait till she gets tired again. But I'm wondering what is going on? She isn't fussing so I don't think she is teething, she is starting to learn to roll but not sure if that will make her wake But more importantly, I want her to get enough rest. She will wake up around 7:30/8 am now and in my opinion 9-10 hours with a feeding in the middle is not enough sleep for a 5 month old. Let's hope she finds her way again and soon. If she continues to get up after bedtime, DH and I can kiss date nights out the window.

Baby's Got a Cold

I think one of the things I fear the most, aside from Baby E refusing to sleep ( which has gotten much better, but I don't wanna jinx it) is if and when Baby E is sick. The first time was a bit scary for me, it was about a month and a half ago and she had a bit of a cough. I didn't think anything of it because she had recently discovered her cough and would sometimes just cough and giggle , like she was playing. Then at night she threw up...I thought she ate too much. Then she did it again, and again and again. In total 6 up chucks in 3 hours. She had no fever but would cough and shove her hand down there throat and up it all came. That was not a fun night to say the least. DH had to make a 2am run to the drug store to get electrolytes (he came back with 3 huge bottles in different flavors for some reason).

I didn't mind staying up with her, rocking her and holding her; If I had to do it all night I would have gladly done so. It's the not knowing what to do or whats wrong that kills me. I mean it's not like she can say " Hay mom, my throat hurts" or "I need a Tylonol". Really, we're just guessing whats wrong. I bring this up because Baby E seems to have a cough again, and I'm so scared that it will get worse. I know kids get sick, the will build up their immune system and the fact that I breast feed helps a lot but none the less, it still worries me every time.

This makes me think, am I dressing her warm enough (it's starting to get chilly out here in Canada)? did she pick it up from a play group? am I keeping the house clean enough? all these things that make me wonder how I can protect her from these nasty germs. I know it's impossible and I can't put her in a bubble, but I guess this is just the Mama Bear in me coming out.

Mama Bear

I've realized one of the possible reasons Baby E needs us to rock her to sleep night after night. Mommy needs to rock her to sleep night after night. Dispite the number it's doing on my back, no matter how much sleep I loose and my mounting frustration of her lack of sleep at the end of the day I will admit, I am to blame for Baby E's dependnce on me and DH. Before Baby E was a reality, I had always said I would not be a super protective mother. I wouldn't coddle, I would let them explore and let her be independent. HA! yeah right!. I will say now that I think I am one of the most protective mothers I know. I hate to hear her cry or see her upset and if I had to I would hold her all night and forgo my sanity to make her happy. Now, some of my non-mommy friends may scoff and shake their heads, heck, some of my mommy friends may do the same but I make no apologies.

I think that it's natural for a first time mom to be protective, maybe not as excessive as I am, but hey, if I do something I don't go half ass. I mean you are suddenly responsible for this whole other person. They depend on you for EVERYTHING. You are in charge of keeping them happy, clean, healthy and most of all safe. If they cry you naturally want to comfort them, if they are dirty you naturally want to clean them and if they are happy, you naturally want to keep that smile on their face for as long as possible. Some people may say being too protective is spoiling your child. I tend to disagree. Sure, Baby E may be fine in a loud arena while DH and I take in a Hockey game. She will also be fine putting that toy in her mouth after X amount of kids had played with it before her, but I don't think I will let it happen if I can help it. I say being protective is doing what is natural. Giving all the love that I have, all the attention that I can and all the time I can doesn't mean I'm spoiling my baby. Giving my baby new things every week and giving into tantrums in the Wal-Mart toy section is spoiling them. What I am doing is trying to be a good mom, when the day comes when I don't feel the need to protect my child (be it from germs, excessive noise or other people), that is the day I should rethink being a mom.

Nightly Sleep Dance

Wow, really? has it been THAT long since I've written an entry? It seems so. But believe me there has been no shortage of material. In the past month Baby E has learned to do a lot. The most notable is she has learned to use her voice. We are not talking coos and hums. We are talking about screams and yelling. To be honest it was a really cute in the beginning but became less cute as it started to effect her sleep. The week before, DH and I tried something new, we would rock Baby E till she was drowsy and then placed her in her crib. After a minute or 2 of whimpering she would turn around, pop her thumb in her mouth and off to sleep she went.(we have since been reluctant of sleep training since our experience last month). It was great! naps went from 45 min to 1 1/2 hours, she slept well through the night (still 1 or 2 feedings) and she seems to be a happy, well rested little baby. Then the screaming and yelling happened. It seemed that Baby E was much more interested in listening to her own voice then to sleep (yay, how fun for me). so I'd rock her and bounce her; she would let out a happy yell and scream; I'd continue to rock her and bounce her... eventually this resulted in me rocking and bouncing for 30-45 min (insane I know).

At the end of it all Baby E wouldn't sleep, not for long anyway. She would wake up crying if I put her down and DH and I found ourselves back where we were about a month ago. With a baby who wanted to be held all the time, despite her ability to self soothe herself to sleep on her own. It got to a point where if she did sleep it was only for 1-2 hours, then she would wake up wanting to play and stay up for 3 hours! WTF? all the books I read say babies at her age are only supposed to stay up for 1-2 hours...yeah, right! Tell me that at 1am when I've been bouncing my baby for 45 min! I think one of the most frustrating things for a new mom is when you know your baby is exhausted, you are doing everything you can to help them sleep and they just can't (or wont). But frustration aside, I have to remember that this little person is new and has yet to developed the skills needed to manage day to day, it's just a phase and it will eventually pass (I can type this now because its not 1am and I'm not bouncing and rocking her).

Anyway, with this new discovery, DH and I have had little sleep...but at least my little girl has discovered her voice, and isn't afraid to use it; which may be bad for us when she reaches 4 years old. No quite little girl for us!

Early Sleep Training = Feeling Like a Bad Mother

Please note that the picture here showing a peaceful baby is not the result of my first sleep training experience.

So this past week has been a bit rough. If I never felt like a bad mother before, I did this week. DH and I felt that Baby E was ready to learn how to self soothe herself to sleep. We thought she was ready, she had done it before on occasion. In a way we were right, on the other hand we were VERY wrong. For those of you who are not familiar with the "Cry it out" method of sleep training, what you do is you lay your baby in the crib while semi-awake, semi-sleeping and leave the room. The modified version allows parents to go into the room to reassure baby that they are not abandoned in specific time intervals, each time being longer then the previous. DH and I further modified this but going in every 5-7 minutes. We decided to start with naps and continue on with her bedtime.

Day 1 was good, Baby E actually fell asleep straight away when I put her down after our nap routine ( I sing her a little song till she eyes get heavy) not bad I thought, Baby E was doing great. Day 2 and 3 rolled around and it was a whole new ball game. The first time I put her down she cried on and off for 1 1/2 hours. I couldn't take it anymore. I picked her up and held her tight. With nap 2 and 3 she cried for about 20 minutes and then slept, but only for about 30 minutes. Day 3 was much of the same if not a bit worse.

The main goal here was to get her to soothe herself and get a restful sleep. Let me tell you, she was far from rested. With nap 4 she cried for 30 minutes and she slept for about 2 hours, probably because she was just so tired. As bedtime rolled around we wrapped her up, fed her and started to read her her story. FREAK OUT! she cried and cried. After about 1 hour she slept, not peacefully mind you, waking up 20 minutes later and crying for another 15 minutes. I could hear her whimper through her monitor.

Yesterday was much of the same but at bedtime when the routine started you could see it in her eyes, she was terrified! I couldn't do it to her again, she was so scared to fall asleep even when I rocked her to bed she would wake up with a petrafied look on her face. I had to abandon ship.

Now I have to work to reverse the fear I've instilled in her and get her back to the way it was before. I just want to see a smiling baby again, not a tired scared one. The good thing that came from this is she found a soothing mechanisum, she sucks her hand. Still when I out her to bed tonight she was nervous, she sucked on the hand for her whole story and woke up once. Not crying but whimpering. For those who have yet to experiance a scared child let me tell you how it is. Imagine someone ripped out your heart, placed it in front of you and punched it repeatedly. That's how it feels to listen to your baby cry, that's how it feels when you see fear in your baby's eyes when she looks up at you.

Now I'm not saying the CIO (cry it out) method doesn't work, I'm sure it does. I just don't think Baby E was ready for it. We may revisit it in a few months, but for now, I'll rock her and hold her for as long as she needs. These days it's about 40 minutes. That's my punishment for making my baby cry I guess.

Attack of the Giant Baby

OK so Baby E didn't attack anyone, but she is giant. In her 10th week she weighed 14 lbs 10 oz. and measured in a little above the 97th percentile for her age. Now at 12 weeks she is at 15 Lbs 11 oz. Not sure if it's genetics (I'm a big girl myself) or if it's my super fatty breast milk but this little girl is thriving. It made me wonder, is she too big? Especially when nurses and other people around us say "She's only 10 weeks? wow, she's a big girl", "Are you only Breast feeding her, my baby is 5 months and only weighs 13 Lbs?" No, I'm force feeding my baby bacon you dumbass is what I really want to say to these people. So for a few days this was on my mind. Was I nursing her too much? I was exclusively breast feeding so it wasn't like I was pumping her full of formula and she was eating every 2.5 - 3 hours, wasn't that normal? Now I know I've said before, trust the mommy insticts but you can imagine how it's easier said then done, especially when your pediatrition says "You're only feeding her when shes hungry, right?" Yes, I've come to realize Baby E's pediatrition is somewhat of a *beep*. I was reminded by another mother that breast fed babies only eat when hungry, they don't over eat and spit up when they do. I was fine, Baby E was just a big eater, or so I hope.

Maybe it's just my genetics, after all I am a bigger girl and so is everyone in my family. With the exception of myself we are all for the most part considered pretty tall (5'9-6 feet). That's pretty tall for Asians. Maybe all those years of eating dumplings and noodles resulted in some super sonic fatty breast milk that produces giant babies; who knows. All I know is Baby is seems pretty healthy and happy. The only issue now is she is heavier so has a harder time with tummy time, which she hates my the way. I can't blame her though, to learn to lift all that weight and hold herself up with her pudgy arms can't be easy. But that's the price she will pay for being a big girl, more tummy time. The price I pay? Having to buy more sleepers and diapers as she grows out of them monthly. She is wearing 6-9 months now....ugh.

Blame It On Mom

For the past month and a bit I've been dealing with the fact that I may be messing up my kid, well, that's what books, articles and other random people have been telling me. What ever happened to letting a woman follow her mommy instincts? Sure, I'll probably mess up Baby E somehow (something I'm trying not to do) but we all have our issues, right?

I was reading the book "The Baby Whisperer" and though I took much of what she said to practice (and some has worked and somethings have not) I refuse to force my baby to do something she doesn't want to do. Like stay up for a period of time after eating, if she wants to sleep after she eats so be it. Yes, I understand that she may think it's OK to sleep after each meal when she grows up, but I as a mother feel I need to listen to what she is telling me. Or napping for no more then 3 hours? How do you think I have have found the time to write up this entry? These "suggestions" and opinions just continue to perpetuate the fears of a first time mother, that you are messing up your kid and doing a bad job at mothering thus, causing more stress; as if running on little sleep and being responsible for this new little person isn't stressful enough.

There is an opinion and a "study" for everything. Should you carry your child all the time, some say yes because it makes them feel secure; some say no, because it makes them clingy...so my child can be clingy but self confident or detached/insecure but independent? Hmmm...decisions decisions. How about sleeping. Do I rock her to sleep or do I let her cry it out? If I rock her she will become dependent and have trouble soothing herself later in life. If I let her cry it out she will have trust and abandonment issues? How is a mom supposed to choose?

I say let me go with my gut. Let me listen to my baby and use my own reasoning and mommy instincts. I mean Baby E was in me growing and thriving for 40 weeks aren't we somehow connected? She listened to my heart beat, ate what I ate, found warmth and comfort in me and nurses from me today. I am somewhat intelligent, not crazy and only have her best interest at heart, should that count to something? Shouldn't that at least make me somewhat of a fit mother?

Will I stop reading these books? Hellz no, I may be able but I am still inexperienced and need all the help I can get.. But I'll take what they say with a gain of salt, picking and choosing what I will follow, and agreeing to disagree with the stuff I think is crap. Like I said before, we're all a bit messed up anyways right? None of us are perfect, our parents made us this way.

Lessons Learned

So Baby E's one month birthday just passed, and it was full of tears, screams and all around chaos. I will never judge a new mom EVER again. I will not think that I could do a better job, that they complain too much or that they are being too protective of their little one. This past month I have been schooled. Schooled by a little person who can frustrate me to no end and in an instant make me melt with her smile.

I will admit, while preggos, I was looking forward to dressing up my little girl in little outfits, going to play dates, cleaning the house while she slept peacefully in her crib....HA! Silly me didn't realize you have to get through the newborn stage to get to that stuff. The first 3 months are like an initiation or something to make sure you are worthy...I'm working on it.

You've heard people say, babies should come with instructions, OMG should they ever. I think the most difficult thing I have experienced has been putting her to sleep. She hates to be swaddled, but can't sleep without it...do you see my dilemma? Let's just say the tears and freak outs occur around here maybe ever 3-4 hours (If anyone has any suggestions PLEASE comment below) My happiest moment however has been having her fall asleep on my chest after a nice long feeding. There is no greater joy then to look down and see your little one sleeping quietly on you.

They say it all gets better at 3 months, but that seems like a long ways away, and I don't want time to pass to fast because I want to enjoy these months. Here are a few things I've learned so far this month...

1. Diaper change does not necessarily mean only one diaper will be changed; when the new one goes on, the baby will likely poop as you close the tabs; and one wipe is never enough.

2. Have fast reflexes or you'll get peed on; so always have a clean onesie close by.

3. Because she has finished sucking does not mean the feeding is over. Your boobs are now property of your little one, she can eat when ever and as often as she pleases.

4. Crying is the most heart wrenching sound a mother can hear

5. Baby giggles is the most heart warming sound a mother can hear

6. Mommy guilt is a constant, deal with it.

7. Personal Hygiene in the mornings (showers, brushing your hair) are now a luxury

8. Tears that flow are not only those that belong to your baby

9. Everyone has advise, you can't please everyone.

10. If Breast feeding, doing it in public, even with a cover will sometimes get you looks. Screw them, you're feeding your baby!

I could go on since this whole month has been a learning experience, but I wont. I just hope that baby E will grade me on a curve and realize mommy is doing her best and is learning as she goes.

Not Without Sacrifice.

3 weeks in, 3 boxes of new born size diapers, 1 pack of size one diapers, 3 packs of wet wipes, numerous late night feedings, 1 emotional break-down. Yes, I said it, I broke. Holding a crying, fussy baby I found myself starting to cry. Maybe it was hormones, maybe it was the lack of sleep who knows. After composing myself with a nice little 2 hour nap and DH banishing me out of the house for an hour after he got home from work, I was right as rain again. All day Baby E was crying and wouldn't sleep when I put her down. I'd pick her up, she'd stop. I'd set her down, she'd cry...and so it went on all day, from 7am to 5 pm. I couldn't very well just leave her and let her cry in her crib, so there I was rocking a baby on and off for close to 10 hours, with small breaks to eat, pee and get in a 20 minute cat nap. I guess at that point I thought to myself "What was I doing wrong?"

24 hours later I realized that we as new first time mothers just have to step back sometimes and give in. After talking to other moms I see now that there are a number of factors that lead Baby down this road of excerising her lungs and super clingyness. Not that I was doing anything wrong, just had to listen to the her and not try to control the situation. Baby E is currently going through a growth spurt, which means her eating and sleeping patterens are all over the place, leaving her extra fussy. Also, since she is still only3 weeks old I have to keep in mind Baby E has no sense of time and or habit. Baby E is still in what they call they "4th trimester" where she is still used to the womb and all it's coushy comforts. My job is to make sure she feels that, even if it means making sacrafices. I will admit I have yet to fully come to grips with this adjustment. Maybe because my baby expiriance has not been with a newborn but with babies who were 3 months plus. With them, they already had sleep pattens and less fussiness.

I know there are books out there that tell mom's what to exspect int he first few weeks after birth. People tell you about it but if you are like me you take it with a grain of salt and think you can handle it. But honestly, nothing can prepare you for whats in store unless you actually live through it. Only then will you know that you have to really adjust rather then try to control the situation. But after taking some time away from the situation, I realize that no matter how fussy, how tired, how stressful things may be, once you look at your baby and he/she smiles at you (be it an intentional smile or just muscle movement) that momentary feeling of pure joy makes it all worth it and you would be willing to give up all the sleep in the world to make sure your baby is happy. I mean come on, if the train wrecks on MTV's Teen Mom can raise a healthy child, there is no reason in the world why I can't.

Judge and Jury

It’s been 2 weeks and 5 day since our baby girl came into our lives and these 2 weeks have been a real learning experience. Believe me, I now have no shortage of topics to blog about. From my boobs and milk production to projectile shits, the list is endless. But why bore you with the details of my last 2 weeks. I’m sure you’ve all had your fill of the TMI (Too Much Information) entries so far. So allow me to take a break from the breastfeeding, the diaper debacles and the other small adventures I’ve had that may seem mundane to those without children. I’ll be sure to blog about these things another day.

Now I’ve always been a judger. I judge and that’s just who I am. I never made any apologies about it and still don’t. It’s just who I am. But as a new mom something happened, I was now being judged, or at least felt like I was. Now being judged never really bothered me before, I have never apologized for who I am. But suddenly, I find myself bothered that or worried that my mommy skills may not be up to par.

Is my mother right? Do I hold her too much? And she’ll grow up to be clingy?

Does her pediatrician think I’ve let her nails grow too long and she may scratch herself?

Do other moms think I’m dressing her in too little/ or too many layers? Will se be too hot or too cold? Or do they just think I have no idea what I'm doing (they may be right on that one)

These are things that have been going through my head. I know it’s natural for a first time mother to question every little thing. I mean nobody wants to think they are doing a bad job or makes their baby uncomfortable. I know this is going to be a learning process and there is one heck of a learning curve. I just have to remember that women, seemingly less fit then myself, have raised children and have been successful. So how bad could I be at it? I just have to remind myself that people may not necessarily be judging me. If I’m holding a crying baby that wont calm down, they may be even actually pitying me.

Special Delivery....Birth Part 2

May contain too much information...reader's be advised :)

So Everleigh's birth wasn't really anything out of the ordinary, I mean women get induced all the time. I however, had a little harder of a time. I know women have had it worse but for my first experience with child birth it was a bit scary. After the delivery of a baby a woman still has to deliver the placenta. In my case, my uterus did not contract to deliver mine. So my Doctor had to pump something into my IV to help it along. When she did this and finally delivered my placenta 15 minutes later she noticed I was bleeding....a lot; and she had no idea when it was coming from. Since I had had an Epidural I really wasn't feeling much, I could just heat what was going on. All I heard was "I can't find the bleeding" and a whole bunch of nurses came in and they started injecting me with things. Then I heard them say they had to keep an emergency operating room available.

I knew it was bad when they advised DH to leave the room with the baby. Honestly, I don't know what happened. All I know is I was bleeding and eventually they stopped it. The last thing I remember was them telling me to stay awake; I guess I didn't because I woke up throwing up and four nurses were helping me to a wheel chair. For the first 12 hours after birth I was really weak and out of it. Seems I lost so much blood I almost needed a transfusion; but in the end they controlled it and I was OK.

No matter how weak I wanted to bond with Everleigh so I kept her on my chest and tried to feed her as I could. After a while I was able to carry on with the help of DH. This being my first experience with child birth, I will admit it scares me to do it again, but I will do it again it given the opportunity. I used to not understand when women said "it's all worth it in the end" I used to think, after all that pain why would you do it more then once? Now I know. It really is worth it when you see and hold your child and you know that they know you are their mother... Let's see if I feel the same way when Everleigh is entering her terrible twos.

Saving and Splurging with Baby

Public Service Announcement: Having a baby is expensive. That is all.

I actually think having a baby is like planning a wedding. Once you say it's for a baby, the price jumps. Just like when you say it's for a wedding. Why? because they know you'll spend the money. I mean this is for your unborn child right? why wouldn't you?

I can't imagine how parents who earn a lower income do it. Obviously you'd cut on some things but how about major things you need? Diapers $30/box on sale, Baby monitors $50.00 (low end), Crib $100.00 (low end), Car seat and stroller $300+ the list and price points go on and on. All these things accumulate and the next thing you know you've spent thousands of dollars all before your baby has been born. I was at home organizing Baby's room and I took stock of all the stuff we've gotten and accumulated. Given, I was very spoiled my my friends who were very generous at my baby showers and I got a lot of hand me downs from my sister and her two boys; however, there are lots of things DH and I got on our own; and all this before Baby is even born. So I figured I'd list a few important things to-be moms should consider (in my opinion) spending the denaro on and some things you can cheap out on and maybe the financial hit would hurt so much. Now, remember this is just my opinion; I may just be a paranoid first time mom; I have no science to back this up :)

Splurge:

Breast pump

Reason: You only have one set of boobs and you should do what you can to keep them happy. Breast feeding can be difficult for some, so why add to it with a cheapo pump that doesn't make things easier.

Update your Will

Reason: What happens if you and your partner die. Not a cool thing to think about but something to think about non the less. Who is gonna take care of your baby?

Blood Cord Banking

Reason: There may be family medical issues you may not know about and the advancement of technology is happening so fast that if I can help my child if he/she ever needed medical help for illnesses like certain cancers, I think the yearly banking fee is a small price to pay.

Lotions and creams

Reason: I think there are so many chemicals out there now a days that natural or organic is best. Last thing I want to know is that the cream I used for baby had side effect that was realized years down the road.

Car seat

Reason: Keep your baby safe. Need I say more? A good car seat can protect your baby, isn't that reason enough?

Steals

Clothing

Reason: Baby doesn't care what he/she is wearing. This is purely for the entertainment of the parents. I say have 1-2 nice outfits when Baby has a public appearance and the rest of the time who cares, hand me downs and used clothing from thrift stores do the job. Plus, people love giving clothing as presents so you may not even have a shortage by the time Baby arrives.

Change Table and other furniture.

Reason: After the baby has grown out of the crib (if not convertible) what will you do with it?

And isn't a change table just a dresser with a pad on the top? so Why not use a dresser with a change pad on the top? DH bought me baby furniture as a Christmas gift; he finished the whole nursery as a surprise for me, He bought a change table as-is from a furniture store, a glider off a used website, book shelf from Ikea and we had a hand me down crib from my sister. It all matches and honestly I think we saved a ton of money.

Strollers

Reason: why do you need a $700.00 stroller? why? Honestly, I think function over fashion here. I know some people what the cool sleek looking strollers (DH being one of them) but really? $700.00 for something you baby will grow out of in a few years? Look, I'm not saying get the cheapest one you can find. DH and I spent a whole day looking for a stroller that was right for us, all I'm saying is fashion is not everything. We opted for one that folds and unfolds with one hand, is light enough for me to load up into the car, has no obstructions for Baby and has lots of storage. It may not be the coolest looking, nor is it the most expensive. It's a middle range stroller that will hopefully meet all our needs

There are so many other things for to-be parents to buy but really, if I went through it all this entry would go on forever, and nobody wants to hear my opinions that badly. My main point is this, Baby doesn't care if it's dressed in the latest baby fashions, if it has a pimp stroller or if he/she has a awesome bedroom. He/she cares about having parents that love it and will give them the attention they need and help them grow. All the other stiff is just to make the parents seem cooler in the eyes of everyone else; Keeping up with the Jone's baby style you might say. So if you need to save money, go used or skip the stuff you don't need ans spend on the things you deem as important. Generations have gone without super sophisticated toys or fancy all-terrain strollers and we humans have still turned out alright. I say just figure out whats important to you and go from there. After all, it's your money, spend it as you see fit. I'm just too cheap to pay $40 for a summer dress or a t-shirt for myself , let alone a baby.

The Home Stretch

So here I am starting my 35th week. Man, has this ever flown by fast. The other day we installed our rear-facing car seat and reality has really set in that in 3 weeks my body will squeeze out another human being. Seems like only yesterday I peed on a stick and watched 2 little lines appear. I will say this, even though I may complain about some of the discomforts of pregnancy (morning sickness, streatch marks, dumb ass people), I've had it relatively good and all in all have really enjoyed it. To be honest I may even miss being pregnant once Baby is here; I'm sure especially when I'm getting up for nightly feedings and changing dirty diapers. But since I'm up in the middle of the night now a days anyways, I'm guessing it may not be such a big adjustment.

Right now I'm feeling more anxious then I am fear. OK, fear is still there but anxious has added itself to the mix; Maybe it's because three women I know who were due in June have already had their babies, one as much as 6 weeks early. It's really hit home that this could potentially happen at any time. Hopefully Baby will wanna stay put for another 3 weeks or so.

Anyhow, as days pass by it's starting to really sink in. DH and I are having a baby! OMG! my life is about to change forever. I know I know, you're thinking "of course you are how are you just realizing this now?" but to be honest the reality of it all is starting to hit me. I'm off work now and I've been tying up loose ends before Baby's arrival and as my to do list gets shorter I realize I get closer and closer to my delivery date. I know I'll flop back and forth and sometimes thinking I have all the time in the world till one day in the not so near future I'll be on my way to the hospital. Does it make sense that I'm looking forward to that day but also dreading it at the same time?