Save Your Pity Please

Recently, an old friend of mine posted something on her Facebook that got me thinking. She posted "10 things you didn't know about me", one of which was this; "I hate it when friends who have babies and post more photos of the baby then their husbands...can we say murder of a sex life?"

This got me thinking about how sometimes child free women view mommies. Is it bad to say that we are misunderstood by our child-free sisters? Dare I say they pity us, or do they just not understand? So here it is. I'm gonna answer some of the "why" questions our child-free friends may be wondering (many of which I have been asked by various people) . Maybe it'll shed some light and they will understand us, rather then pity us.

Q: Why don't you take care of yourself anymore?

A: We do take care of ourselves. Maybe not in the way you think I should. I try to eat well, work out if I get the time, sleep when I can. I try to stay healthy and fit. But if you mean why don't I get dolled up on a daily basis anymore, well, I spend most of my day with a baby. They don't judge me on what I'm wearing or what my make up looks like.

Q: Why do moms always cut their hair short or put their hair in a pony tail?

A: Time is limited. I don't have the luxury of spending 45 minute blow drying and flat ironing my hair. I have 5 minutes to get ready while you have 1 hour. I have to get another person ready too while you only have to take care of yourself. So yes, function over fashion. I think it's a good look for me.

Q: Why did you cancel your gym membership?

A: After putting the baby to bed, getting dinner on the table and doing the day to day things that make my household run I just can't find the time or energy. This is not to say I don't exercise. I carry around a 20 Lbs weight all day. Up stairs, down stairs. Into a crib, out of a crib. Onto the floor, off the floor. Add in a infant car seat...I'm carrying 30 Lbs. Check out my biceps, I can probably beat your ass in an arm wrestle.

Q: Guess you can kiss your high heels goodbye. Aren't you sad?

A: I may be in flats now, but that's not to say I'll never wear heels again. I just can't bring myself to wear my $300 Jimmy Choo's to strollercise, seems like a waste. Plus, you have to take your shoes off at Baby and Me classes anyways, so what's the point? Yeah, I'm sad. I didn't know I had to pick between hot shoes or a baby...I hope I made the right choice!

Q:Your home all day, why do you look so tired?

A: No answer. If you ask me this I'm afraid I may lunge over and smack you.

Q: Do you REALLY need all that baby gear?

A: Imagine this. You are unable to tell anyone you have to go to the bathroom, but you have to go all the time. You can't wipe your own butt, and when you do take a dump there is an off chance it may be so explosive it will shoot out the back of your diaper (even sometimes getting in your hair). You are on a special diet, and eat every few hours. You have to be occupied at all times, and at times you have trouble staying awake for more then 1 1/2 hrs. You can't stand, so you have to sit...anywhere, even dirty public bathrooms. Now also imagine you need someone to carry all of this for you because you are too little to do it yourself...that someone is me. I'm sorry I don't want to make my baby sit in a full diaper or leave her in an outfit where she just shit all over.

Q: Can't you sleep when the baby sleeps?

A: Can you sleep on demand? I can't

Q: Why are you in yoga pants all the time?

A: I bend down a lot! to pick up the baby, to pick up toys, to play with her, to clean up after her. I have 20 seconds to go to the bathroom when she is awake as to make sure she doesn't fall flat on er face, get into my BlueRay, or pull down a chair. Buttons and zippers take too long. Your not in yoga class, why are you wearing them?

Q: Why are all the pictures on Facebook of the baby?

A: For the same reason all the pictures of you are in a club. This is my life. She takes up most of my day and I like sharing the fun with family and friends.

Q: Why are the pictures only of the baby, and not of the family and you and your Husband?

A: I'm with the baby all day, sometimes the day goes by so fast I feel like I missed her doing something. I take pictures to capture memories to I can look back at them. Just like you and your friends getting shit faced on Saturday night. It's hard to get a family picture. It's just the 3 of us and if mommy and daddy are in the picture, well, baby hasn't figured out how to use the camera yet.

Q: Your sex life must suck!

A: Not that it's any of your business but...not it's just fine thank you. After a long sleep deprived day of work, house and baby honestly, you are too tired to get to the dirty dirty. However, DH and I find the time. It may not be as crazy, hot and wild as before, but hey we've also been together for almost a decade. We also love the personal time when we do get it since we know that it can be hard to come by. You know when my sex life sucked? when I was single.

sometimes I talk to my child free friends and they sound like they feel so sorry for me. Please don't be sorry, I'm not. Yes, I have spit up on shoulder, my hair is in a pony tail, I wear yoga pants, I run on 5 hours sleep a night and sometimes I'm elbow deep in shit, but this is my life. I choose to bring a life into this world, I choose to have a child. I may complain but it's not for you to feel sorry for me, it's because you are the first adult I've talked to all day. Don't pity me, my life is filled with so much joy. I look at my husband and get to know that he is the best man I've ever known and he is a wonderful father. I get to enjoy seeing my husband totally melt when his daughter hugs him. I get to hear this tiny person call out "mama" and smile at me when I look into her eyes. I enjoy baby kisses and cuddles and unconditional love (for now). I get the gift of wonder when I make a silly sound and hear my daughter giggle and I get to hug my daughter and know she will be my baby forever. So please don't pity me. Just be understanding. Understand that I may always be 15 minutes late to our coffee date, I may smell like throw up sometimes, I may have to cancel on you at the last minute and I may have to pull out a boob in front of you when I'm not prepared for a feeding.

It's a Mommy Thing.

Listen, I'm sure that fathers out there feel just as connected to their children as mothers do, but reality is they're not. Last night I was very emotional (one of the joys of post pardum) and DH asked me what could be done to make me less stressed. Hire a nanny? Baby sitter? I told him none of the above, nothing. You see, I recently started weaning Baby E onto formula. I had been Breast feeding up to this point and finally have come to terms that there is no shame in me giving her formula. I've breast fed for 7 1/2 months and some would say that is pretty darn good. Especially since I've been dealing with supply issues since Baby E was 12 weeks old.

Let's just say Baby E has not been a happy camper since I have only been offering the breast once a day (soon to be zero times a day). She origianally took to purees and formula with no issues but recently has refused or taken very little of either; I figure she knows her days on the boob are numbered. Any mother will tell you, when your baby doesn't eat well, you worry (and get very fustrated and stressed). So there I was, offering purees 3 times a day and offering a bottle of formula when i though she was hungry... washing most of it down the drain day after day.

I was sad, fustrated, stressed and yes, sleep deprived (post partum insomnia is also a bitch!) I told him, there is nothing he could do. I worry, if it's not about what and how much she is eating, it's about her development, her sleep, her happiness, me being a bad mother. Mothers worry, some more then others; me, more then most.

I felt bad telling DH that I didn't think he understood. I mean, he loves Baby E just as much as I do. But I really don't think he does. Even friends (non-mothers) who tell me not to worry, I'm doing a fine job, I really don't think they get it ether. Not to sound trite, but something changes in you when you become a mother. You have a whole new reason for living. This tiny person is looking to you for everything and until you hear them crying and screaming "mama" and you knowing "mama" is you do you understand how heart wrenching it is not to be able to instantly make them feel better. If they fall it takes everything in you not to want to break their fall, even though you know that have to learn on their own.

I always thought that I would be one of those women who went with the flow. That I wouldn't worry so much, about everything. I used to say 'Those mothers are too attached, too clingy' If I've learned anything these past 7 months it's this. A mother can never feel too attached, too clingy, it's impossible. I guess if the day ever came that I stopped worrying that I was being a good enough mother, that's the day I'm really not.

Asian Canadian?

So where the heck have I been? I've been around, not sleeping has a way with messing with your head so, even though I've had things I'd like to share, I've stayed away in fear that I would type something incoherent and totally off the chain. I'm sure you've heard enough about Baby E's struggle with sleep so I'll spare you ...for now.

So yesterday was Chinese New Year. Kung Hay Fat Choi to my Asian peeps. It's the year of the Dragon, what that means is beyond me. Which brings me to the reason I'm posting. As a child my family would celebrate CNY in grand style. Granted, we lived in a predominate Chinese community and now I live in Ottawa, where people think great Chinese food comes from a take out place and includes a giant order of Chicken balls and "red sauce''. Let me explain to thouse unfamiliar with Canada's capital city. It's a great place, nice people, clean and family friendly. However, ethnic diversity is nothing compared to where I grew up, Markham, Ontario (just north of Toronto).

Now that we are parents DH and I are very aware of how "Canadian" Baby E will be. Take CNY for example. We did nothing. OK I posted something on Facebook, I called my mom and took Baby E to her great grandmothers to wish a happy new year, but that's it. DH and I give out lucky money not for tradition, but for obligation (since Baby E will be sure to receive some) I didn't go out and buy fresh flowers, I didn't decorate the house or put out treats, we didn't see a dragon dance, all CNY traditions. I'm finding it difficult to infuse Asian culture into Baby E's life. I'm Chinese and DH is Vietnamese, yes there are similarities, but the two cultures are vastly different. I was born in Canada and DH immigrated here when he was 4 years old. Safe to say we are both pretty "Canadian".

I feel like we may be jipping Baby E out of something. I try to speak Cantonese to here (when I remember) but I always forget, since I'm the only one in our family who speaks a different language. I guess I fear that one day, she will be visiting my family in Toronto and wonder why she doesn't understand what her cousins are saying, why they can speak to grandma and grandpa in a different language and she can't. Why they eat congee (Asian rice porridge) for breakfast and she prefers bacon and eggs.

I love that I live 5 hours away from my family, it limits drama but sometimes I wish I lived closer, not for me but for Baby E.

By the way, Baby E will never eat a chicken ball with "red sauce" if I have anything to do with it.

Growing Up So Fast.

I can't believe it. Baby E is 6 months old. I just want to say that it really does go by so fast. To all those new moms out there who are frustrated and aggravated because of lack of sleep (I'm in that boat too) and can't seem to get everything done in a day (also in that boat as well) cherish the little moments that make you smile. You know people always say it goes by so fast...guess what, it really does. Sure the baby gets more fun when they can sit up, giggle and interact. But all the little things like cuddles, rocking to sleep...those things as they get bigger and older become no more and even if you want to do it, you can't.

Baby E is now eating purees and sitting up. This means less time breast feeding and she is way too big to be rocked to sleep comfortably. Yes, I still do it when she is fussy, but I remember the times I would rock her for 45 min and it would drive me nuts. Guess what, sometimes I wish I could do it now, just so I can see her sleeping in my arms.

So final words: You may hate it now, but believe me, in a few months you'll miss it. So look on the bright side and try to enjoy the little wonderful moments...that is all

I Am Not a Shit Mom!

A few weeks ago a dear friend of mine told me she was pregnant. I am super excited for her and happy that she is about to be a mom for the first time. As I logged off our Facebook chat I thought of all the things I wanted to tell her, advise and things that she may not yet have known about pregnancy. Then, a few days later an acquaintance of mine messaged me. "Let me fix your sleeping problems" she wrote. "My son does this this and this and I think you should do this this and this". As I read her message I started to get a bit pissed off. She made me feel like a shit mom for having a baby who sleeps at 9:30/ 10pm. She made me feel like a loser because her son (who is the same age as Baby E) takes 3 naps a day while my daughter takes 4. I mean who the f' asked you for help anyways? I closed the laptop, took a breath and reminded myself that Baby E is happy and healthy. And that I AM NOT A SHIT MOM! Every baby is different and this "acquaintance" has too much time on her hands and reads too many baby sleep books.

So this got me thinking about my friend who just told me she was expecting. I had all these things I wanted to tell her but now I've checked myself. I'm gonna keep that shit to myself until she asks. It's funny. I guess women like to share thier experiences (after all I am blogging about it, but you log on out of your own free will) and they like to give advise. But sometimes we really have to check it at the door. Not everyone whats to hear about our experiences, or what we did and how we did it. Especially when they are having a hard time with something....like sleep, the last thing we need is someone telling us how they did it better. If advise and information is being seeked, those who seek it will ask for it and go actively looking for it. I guess the last thing they need is someone telling them how it should be done, rather they want to do it themselves and learn from experiences.

So there it is. I am a non-shit mom who is keeping her mouth shut!...I'll just type it out on this blog :)

Morning Sickness or Something I Ate?

Sunday morning I woke up with a bit of a scare. I wasn't feeling too hot and well just plain sick. As I placed Baby E down after her wake up feeding it hit me; I ran to the bathroom and....threw up. WTF? As I rinsed out the nastiness from my mouth I began to think, where was my period? I should be getting it if not already gotten it already. My heart almost stopped. Don't get me wrong, I want to have another baby but not right now. DH and I would like to wait till March so I can go back on Maternity Leave for baby #2. In Canada you have to be back to work for at least 4 months to get benefits from the government for a full year. Plus, the thought of being Preggo again while still trying to figure this parenting thing out...oh dear god! I always look at mothers with 2 under 2 years with such admiration, they are truly superheros...and ones with 3 under 3 years...well, you're just plain crazy! :P

I walked back into our bedroom with Baby E in hand and I could see it on DH's face. I passed it off like it must have been something I ate but I wasn't 100% sure. Thankfully I did get my period later on that day so must have been something I ate. No baby #2 just yet. Hopefully, when March rolls around Baby#2 will too.

Thank goodness this all happened on a Sunday. DH was at home and took care of Baby E all day while I slept. All I had to do was nurse her and back to bed I went. Last night I asked him how he liked it. He says to me "I was exhausted by the end of the day!" good to know he now knows how I feel everyday :)

Sleep Baby Sleep...Trying Something New

Late night our put down wake up 1.5 hours later dance occurred again...Baby E woke from her 7pm bedtime put down at 8:30pm (in the middle of mommy's Gossip Girl) and didn't go back to bed till about 10pm. She woke up as happy as can be like it was any other nap. I honestly think the is used to having 4 naps a day and recently because she has woken up later, she has only had 3 before bedtime, shes just trying to stick with what she knows. I mean she has no concept of time, she doesn't know that after she goes to bed mommy can catch up on her guilty pleasures like Gossip Girl, Vampire Diaries and Gray's Anatomy...don't judge.

So I'm gonna try something new today. Since Baby E had been going to bed later she has also been waking up later. This morning she woke up at 6am (after going to bed at 10pm!), not enough sleep I know but I kept her up at 6am with the hopes that she will go back to her previous schedule. I know it doesn't always work that way with babies but I have to give it a go and see what happens. I mean isn't that what first time moms do? They throw shit at the wall and see what sticks?!

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November 29, 2011

Update: 2 words- Epic FAIL!

To say that none of the shit I have thrown to the wall stuck would be an understatement. So Baby E continues to wake up at 6-7am every morning. But she still refuses to sleep till 9:30/10pm (last night it was 1am) I have to get her to drop that last nap at 5/6pm but how? I've tried to wake her up early from the nap but she somehow finds a way to get back into a pattern where she wakes up at 8pm and is up till 10pm...I guess I just have to keep trying.

Isn't it sad when your baby's bedtime is later then yours?