It's a Mommy Thing.

Listen, I'm sure that fathers out there feel just as connected to their children as mothers do, but reality is they're not. Last night I was very emotional (one of the joys of post pardum) and DH asked me what could be done to make me less stressed. Hire a nanny? Baby sitter? I told him none of the above, nothing. You see, I recently started weaning Baby E onto formula. I had been Breast feeding up to this point and finally have come to terms that there is no shame in me giving her formula. I've breast fed for 7 1/2 months and some would say that is pretty darn good. Especially since I've been dealing with supply issues since Baby E was 12 weeks old.

Let's just say Baby E has not been a happy camper since I have only been offering the breast once a day (soon to be zero times a day). She origianally took to purees and formula with no issues but recently has refused or taken very little of either; I figure she knows her days on the boob are numbered. Any mother will tell you, when your baby doesn't eat well, you worry (and get very fustrated and stressed). So there I was, offering purees 3 times a day and offering a bottle of formula when i though she was hungry... washing most of it down the drain day after day.

I was sad, fustrated, stressed and yes, sleep deprived (post partum insomnia is also a bitch!) I told him, there is nothing he could do. I worry, if it's not about what and how much she is eating, it's about her development, her sleep, her happiness, me being a bad mother. Mothers worry, some more then others; me, more then most.

I felt bad telling DH that I didn't think he understood. I mean, he loves Baby E just as much as I do. But I really don't think he does. Even friends (non-mothers) who tell me not to worry, I'm doing a fine job, I really don't think they get it ether. Not to sound trite, but something changes in you when you become a mother. You have a whole new reason for living. This tiny person is looking to you for everything and until you hear them crying and screaming "mama" and you knowing "mama" is you do you understand how heart wrenching it is not to be able to instantly make them feel better. If they fall it takes everything in you not to want to break their fall, even though you know that have to learn on their own.

I always thought that I would be one of those women who went with the flow. That I wouldn't worry so much, about everything. I used to say 'Those mothers are too attached, too clingy' If I've learned anything these past 7 months it's this. A mother can never feel too attached, too clingy, it's impossible. I guess if the day ever came that I stopped worrying that I was being a good enough mother, that's the day I'm really not.