It's a Mommy Thing.

Listen, I'm sure that fathers out there feel just as connected to their children as mothers do, but reality is they're not. Last night I was very emotional (one of the joys of post pardum) and DH asked me what could be done to make me less stressed. Hire a nanny? Baby sitter? I told him none of the above, nothing. You see, I recently started weaning Baby E onto formula. I had been Breast feeding up to this point and finally have come to terms that there is no shame in me giving her formula. I've breast fed for 7 1/2 months and some would say that is pretty darn good. Especially since I've been dealing with supply issues since Baby E was 12 weeks old.

Let's just say Baby E has not been a happy camper since I have only been offering the breast once a day (soon to be zero times a day). She origianally took to purees and formula with no issues but recently has refused or taken very little of either; I figure she knows her days on the boob are numbered. Any mother will tell you, when your baby doesn't eat well, you worry (and get very fustrated and stressed). So there I was, offering purees 3 times a day and offering a bottle of formula when i though she was hungry... washing most of it down the drain day after day.

I was sad, fustrated, stressed and yes, sleep deprived (post partum insomnia is also a bitch!) I told him, there is nothing he could do. I worry, if it's not about what and how much she is eating, it's about her development, her sleep, her happiness, me being a bad mother. Mothers worry, some more then others; me, more then most.

I felt bad telling DH that I didn't think he understood. I mean, he loves Baby E just as much as I do. But I really don't think he does. Even friends (non-mothers) who tell me not to worry, I'm doing a fine job, I really don't think they get it ether. Not to sound trite, but something changes in you when you become a mother. You have a whole new reason for living. This tiny person is looking to you for everything and until you hear them crying and screaming "mama" and you knowing "mama" is you do you understand how heart wrenching it is not to be able to instantly make them feel better. If they fall it takes everything in you not to want to break their fall, even though you know that have to learn on their own.

I always thought that I would be one of those women who went with the flow. That I wouldn't worry so much, about everything. I used to say 'Those mothers are too attached, too clingy' If I've learned anything these past 7 months it's this. A mother can never feel too attached, too clingy, it's impossible. I guess if the day ever came that I stopped worrying that I was being a good enough mother, that's the day I'm really not.

Not Without Sacrifice.

3 weeks in, 3 boxes of new born size diapers, 1 pack of size one diapers, 3 packs of wet wipes, numerous late night feedings, 1 emotional break-down. Yes, I said it, I broke. Holding a crying, fussy baby I found myself starting to cry. Maybe it was hormones, maybe it was the lack of sleep who knows. After composing myself with a nice little 2 hour nap and DH banishing me out of the house for an hour after he got home from work, I was right as rain again. All day Baby E was crying and wouldn't sleep when I put her down. I'd pick her up, she'd stop. I'd set her down, she'd cry...and so it went on all day, from 7am to 5 pm. I couldn't very well just leave her and let her cry in her crib, so there I was rocking a baby on and off for close to 10 hours, with small breaks to eat, pee and get in a 20 minute cat nap. I guess at that point I thought to myself "What was I doing wrong?"

24 hours later I realized that we as new first time mothers just have to step back sometimes and give in. After talking to other moms I see now that there are a number of factors that lead Baby down this road of excerising her lungs and super clingyness. Not that I was doing anything wrong, just had to listen to the her and not try to control the situation. Baby E is currently going through a growth spurt, which means her eating and sleeping patterens are all over the place, leaving her extra fussy. Also, since she is still only3 weeks old I have to keep in mind Baby E has no sense of time and or habit. Baby E is still in what they call they "4th trimester" where she is still used to the womb and all it's coushy comforts. My job is to make sure she feels that, even if it means making sacrafices. I will admit I have yet to fully come to grips with this adjustment. Maybe because my baby expiriance has not been with a newborn but with babies who were 3 months plus. With them, they already had sleep pattens and less fussiness.

I know there are books out there that tell mom's what to exspect int he first few weeks after birth. People tell you about it but if you are like me you take it with a grain of salt and think you can handle it. But honestly, nothing can prepare you for whats in store unless you actually live through it. Only then will you know that you have to really adjust rather then try to control the situation. But after taking some time away from the situation, I realize that no matter how fussy, how tired, how stressful things may be, once you look at your baby and he/she smiles at you (be it an intentional smile or just muscle movement) that momentary feeling of pure joy makes it all worth it and you would be willing to give up all the sleep in the world to make sure your baby is happy. I mean come on, if the train wrecks on MTV's Teen Mom can raise a healthy child, there is no reason in the world why I can't.