Mama Bear

I've realized one of the possible reasons Baby E needs us to rock her to sleep night after night. Mommy needs to rock her to sleep night after night. Dispite the number it's doing on my back, no matter how much sleep I loose and my mounting frustration of her lack of sleep at the end of the day I will admit, I am to blame for Baby E's dependnce on me and DH. Before Baby E was a reality, I had always said I would not be a super protective mother. I wouldn't coddle, I would let them explore and let her be independent. HA! yeah right!. I will say now that I think I am one of the most protective mothers I know. I hate to hear her cry or see her upset and if I had to I would hold her all night and forgo my sanity to make her happy. Now, some of my non-mommy friends may scoff and shake their heads, heck, some of my mommy friends may do the same but I make no apologies.

I think that it's natural for a first time mom to be protective, maybe not as excessive as I am, but hey, if I do something I don't go half ass. I mean you are suddenly responsible for this whole other person. They depend on you for EVERYTHING. You are in charge of keeping them happy, clean, healthy and most of all safe. If they cry you naturally want to comfort them, if they are dirty you naturally want to clean them and if they are happy, you naturally want to keep that smile on their face for as long as possible. Some people may say being too protective is spoiling your child. I tend to disagree. Sure, Baby E may be fine in a loud arena while DH and I take in a Hockey game. She will also be fine putting that toy in her mouth after X amount of kids had played with it before her, but I don't think I will let it happen if I can help it. I say being protective is doing what is natural. Giving all the love that I have, all the attention that I can and all the time I can doesn't mean I'm spoiling my baby. Giving my baby new things every week and giving into tantrums in the Wal-Mart toy section is spoiling them. What I am doing is trying to be a good mom, when the day comes when I don't feel the need to protect my child (be it from germs, excessive noise or other people), that is the day I should rethink being a mom.

My Hairy Situation

So here's something I can add to the "$hit they don't tell you about pregnancy" list. Hair loss!

Sure, when you are preggo your hair is nice, smooth, shiny and healthy; but after it. all. falls. out!

No joke after I wash my hair I look down and there is a Wookie sitting on top of my drain! It really is gross. I will run my hand threw my hair and a chunk of hair will be entangled between my fingers. I sweep and Biselle all the time since there is more of my hair on the floor then there is cat hair. It gets everywhere, even on Baby E.

So I have decided to do it. I am gonna get a mommy hair cut. No, this is not a day where mommy will take time for herself and get a nice day at the salon. I'm talking about chopping it all off, short! (insert panic attack) don't get me wrong, I've had short hair before. Mostly bobs and shoulder length, but what I'm talking about here goes a bit shorter. Ever since High school the shortest my hair has ever been was just below my ears. Right now it's to the middle of my back. I need something that Baby E can't grab onto and pull, something that wont cause my drain to plug up and most importantly, something that is easy to maintain and takes little to no time to style, buzz cut anyone? (joke)

So now I have to find a style that will suit me. Not an easy task since super short styles don't often suit big round faces...I've never cried at at hair cut before, but this time I just may

Nightly Sleep Dance

Wow, really? has it been THAT long since I've written an entry? It seems so. But believe me there has been no shortage of material. In the past month Baby E has learned to do a lot. The most notable is she has learned to use her voice. We are not talking coos and hums. We are talking about screams and yelling. To be honest it was a really cute in the beginning but became less cute as it started to effect her sleep. The week before, DH and I tried something new, we would rock Baby E till she was drowsy and then placed her in her crib. After a minute or 2 of whimpering she would turn around, pop her thumb in her mouth and off to sleep she went.(we have since been reluctant of sleep training since our experience last month). It was great! naps went from 45 min to 1 1/2 hours, she slept well through the night (still 1 or 2 feedings) and she seems to be a happy, well rested little baby. Then the screaming and yelling happened. It seemed that Baby E was much more interested in listening to her own voice then to sleep (yay, how fun for me). so I'd rock her and bounce her; she would let out a happy yell and scream; I'd continue to rock her and bounce her... eventually this resulted in me rocking and bouncing for 30-45 min (insane I know).

At the end of it all Baby E wouldn't sleep, not for long anyway. She would wake up crying if I put her down and DH and I found ourselves back where we were about a month ago. With a baby who wanted to be held all the time, despite her ability to self soothe herself to sleep on her own. It got to a point where if she did sleep it was only for 1-2 hours, then she would wake up wanting to play and stay up for 3 hours! WTF? all the books I read say babies at her age are only supposed to stay up for 1-2 hours...yeah, right! Tell me that at 1am when I've been bouncing my baby for 45 min! I think one of the most frustrating things for a new mom is when you know your baby is exhausted, you are doing everything you can to help them sleep and they just can't (or wont). But frustration aside, I have to remember that this little person is new and has yet to developed the skills needed to manage day to day, it's just a phase and it will eventually pass (I can type this now because its not 1am and I'm not bouncing and rocking her).

Anyway, with this new discovery, DH and I have had little sleep...but at least my little girl has discovered her voice, and isn't afraid to use it; which may be bad for us when she reaches 4 years old. No quite little girl for us!

Early Sleep Training = Feeling Like a Bad Mother

Please note that the picture here showing a peaceful baby is not the result of my first sleep training experience.

So this past week has been a bit rough. If I never felt like a bad mother before, I did this week. DH and I felt that Baby E was ready to learn how to self soothe herself to sleep. We thought she was ready, she had done it before on occasion. In a way we were right, on the other hand we were VERY wrong. For those of you who are not familiar with the "Cry it out" method of sleep training, what you do is you lay your baby in the crib while semi-awake, semi-sleeping and leave the room. The modified version allows parents to go into the room to reassure baby that they are not abandoned in specific time intervals, each time being longer then the previous. DH and I further modified this but going in every 5-7 minutes. We decided to start with naps and continue on with her bedtime.

Day 1 was good, Baby E actually fell asleep straight away when I put her down after our nap routine ( I sing her a little song till she eyes get heavy) not bad I thought, Baby E was doing great. Day 2 and 3 rolled around and it was a whole new ball game. The first time I put her down she cried on and off for 1 1/2 hours. I couldn't take it anymore. I picked her up and held her tight. With nap 2 and 3 she cried for about 20 minutes and then slept, but only for about 30 minutes. Day 3 was much of the same if not a bit worse.

The main goal here was to get her to soothe herself and get a restful sleep. Let me tell you, she was far from rested. With nap 4 she cried for 30 minutes and she slept for about 2 hours, probably because she was just so tired. As bedtime rolled around we wrapped her up, fed her and started to read her her story. FREAK OUT! she cried and cried. After about 1 hour she slept, not peacefully mind you, waking up 20 minutes later and crying for another 15 minutes. I could hear her whimper through her monitor.

Yesterday was much of the same but at bedtime when the routine started you could see it in her eyes, she was terrified! I couldn't do it to her again, she was so scared to fall asleep even when I rocked her to bed she would wake up with a petrafied look on her face. I had to abandon ship.

Now I have to work to reverse the fear I've instilled in her and get her back to the way it was before. I just want to see a smiling baby again, not a tired scared one. The good thing that came from this is she found a soothing mechanisum, she sucks her hand. Still when I out her to bed tonight she was nervous, she sucked on the hand for her whole story and woke up once. Not crying but whimpering. For those who have yet to experiance a scared child let me tell you how it is. Imagine someone ripped out your heart, placed it in front of you and punched it repeatedly. That's how it feels to listen to your baby cry, that's how it feels when you see fear in your baby's eyes when she looks up at you.

Now I'm not saying the CIO (cry it out) method doesn't work, I'm sure it does. I just don't think Baby E was ready for it. We may revisit it in a few months, but for now, I'll rock her and hold her for as long as she needs. These days it's about 40 minutes. That's my punishment for making my baby cry I guess.

Aunt Flo, The Unwelcome Visitor

**Warning, possible too much information**

Mother Nature has totally jipped me! One of the things I was looking forward while Breast feeding was not having to deal with my period for a few months; No such luck. Turns out by having DH give Baby E a night bottle of expressed milk, so I could go to sleep earlier, I made my body think that Baby E was now sleeping through the night; which she isn't. People told me that Aunt Flo often returns if your body thinks baby is sleeping through the night...I wish these people told me this sooner. So not only am I waking up at 3am and 5 am to feed Baby E, I have this to look forward to every month. What a jip! Oh, did I mention that my milk supply also tanks a few days and during my period, again, something I wish people had told me before.

So here I am, pissed off my milk is low, PMSing, Sleep deprived and trying everything I can to get the milk back up so I can feed my baby. Aunt Flo, you are so unwelcome!

Attack of the Giant Baby

OK so Baby E didn't attack anyone, but she is giant. In her 10th week she weighed 14 lbs 10 oz. and measured in a little above the 97th percentile for her age. Now at 12 weeks she is at 15 Lbs 11 oz. Not sure if it's genetics (I'm a big girl myself) or if it's my super fatty breast milk but this little girl is thriving. It made me wonder, is she too big? Especially when nurses and other people around us say "She's only 10 weeks? wow, she's a big girl", "Are you only Breast feeding her, my baby is 5 months and only weighs 13 Lbs?" No, I'm force feeding my baby bacon you dumbass is what I really want to say to these people. So for a few days this was on my mind. Was I nursing her too much? I was exclusively breast feeding so it wasn't like I was pumping her full of formula and she was eating every 2.5 - 3 hours, wasn't that normal? Now I know I've said before, trust the mommy insticts but you can imagine how it's easier said then done, especially when your pediatrition says "You're only feeding her when shes hungry, right?" Yes, I've come to realize Baby E's pediatrition is somewhat of a *beep*. I was reminded by another mother that breast fed babies only eat when hungry, they don't over eat and spit up when they do. I was fine, Baby E was just a big eater, or so I hope.

Maybe it's just my genetics, after all I am a bigger girl and so is everyone in my family. With the exception of myself we are all for the most part considered pretty tall (5'9-6 feet). That's pretty tall for Asians. Maybe all those years of eating dumplings and noodles resulted in some super sonic fatty breast milk that produces giant babies; who knows. All I know is Baby is seems pretty healthy and happy. The only issue now is she is heavier so has a harder time with tummy time, which she hates my the way. I can't blame her though, to learn to lift all that weight and hold herself up with her pudgy arms can't be easy. But that's the price she will pay for being a big girl, more tummy time. The price I pay? Having to buy more sleepers and diapers as she grows out of them monthly. She is wearing 6-9 months now....ugh.

Blame It On Mom

For the past month and a bit I've been dealing with the fact that I may be messing up my kid, well, that's what books, articles and other random people have been telling me. What ever happened to letting a woman follow her mommy instincts? Sure, I'll probably mess up Baby E somehow (something I'm trying not to do) but we all have our issues, right?

I was reading the book "The Baby Whisperer" and though I took much of what she said to practice (and some has worked and somethings have not) I refuse to force my baby to do something she doesn't want to do. Like stay up for a period of time after eating, if she wants to sleep after she eats so be it. Yes, I understand that she may think it's OK to sleep after each meal when she grows up, but I as a mother feel I need to listen to what she is telling me. Or napping for no more then 3 hours? How do you think I have have found the time to write up this entry? These "suggestions" and opinions just continue to perpetuate the fears of a first time mother, that you are messing up your kid and doing a bad job at mothering thus, causing more stress; as if running on little sleep and being responsible for this new little person isn't stressful enough.

There is an opinion and a "study" for everything. Should you carry your child all the time, some say yes because it makes them feel secure; some say no, because it makes them clingy...so my child can be clingy but self confident or detached/insecure but independent? Hmmm...decisions decisions. How about sleeping. Do I rock her to sleep or do I let her cry it out? If I rock her she will become dependent and have trouble soothing herself later in life. If I let her cry it out she will have trust and abandonment issues? How is a mom supposed to choose?

I say let me go with my gut. Let me listen to my baby and use my own reasoning and mommy instincts. I mean Baby E was in me growing and thriving for 40 weeks aren't we somehow connected? She listened to my heart beat, ate what I ate, found warmth and comfort in me and nurses from me today. I am somewhat intelligent, not crazy and only have her best interest at heart, should that count to something? Shouldn't that at least make me somewhat of a fit mother?

Will I stop reading these books? Hellz no, I may be able but I am still inexperienced and need all the help I can get.. But I'll take what they say with a gain of salt, picking and choosing what I will follow, and agreeing to disagree with the stuff I think is crap. Like I said before, we're all a bit messed up anyways right? None of us are perfect, our parents made us this way.