Early Sleep Training = Feeling Like a Bad Mother

Please note that the picture here showing a peaceful baby is not the result of my first sleep training experience.

So this past week has been a bit rough. If I never felt like a bad mother before, I did this week. DH and I felt that Baby E was ready to learn how to self soothe herself to sleep. We thought she was ready, she had done it before on occasion. In a way we were right, on the other hand we were VERY wrong. For those of you who are not familiar with the "Cry it out" method of sleep training, what you do is you lay your baby in the crib while semi-awake, semi-sleeping and leave the room. The modified version allows parents to go into the room to reassure baby that they are not abandoned in specific time intervals, each time being longer then the previous. DH and I further modified this but going in every 5-7 minutes. We decided to start with naps and continue on with her bedtime.

Day 1 was good, Baby E actually fell asleep straight away when I put her down after our nap routine ( I sing her a little song till she eyes get heavy) not bad I thought, Baby E was doing great. Day 2 and 3 rolled around and it was a whole new ball game. The first time I put her down she cried on and off for 1 1/2 hours. I couldn't take it anymore. I picked her up and held her tight. With nap 2 and 3 she cried for about 20 minutes and then slept, but only for about 30 minutes. Day 3 was much of the same if not a bit worse.

The main goal here was to get her to soothe herself and get a restful sleep. Let me tell you, she was far from rested. With nap 4 she cried for 30 minutes and she slept for about 2 hours, probably because she was just so tired. As bedtime rolled around we wrapped her up, fed her and started to read her her story. FREAK OUT! she cried and cried. After about 1 hour she slept, not peacefully mind you, waking up 20 minutes later and crying for another 15 minutes. I could hear her whimper through her monitor.

Yesterday was much of the same but at bedtime when the routine started you could see it in her eyes, she was terrified! I couldn't do it to her again, she was so scared to fall asleep even when I rocked her to bed she would wake up with a petrafied look on her face. I had to abandon ship.

Now I have to work to reverse the fear I've instilled in her and get her back to the way it was before. I just want to see a smiling baby again, not a tired scared one. The good thing that came from this is she found a soothing mechanisum, she sucks her hand. Still when I out her to bed tonight she was nervous, she sucked on the hand for her whole story and woke up once. Not crying but whimpering. For those who have yet to experiance a scared child let me tell you how it is. Imagine someone ripped out your heart, placed it in front of you and punched it repeatedly. That's how it feels to listen to your baby cry, that's how it feels when you see fear in your baby's eyes when she looks up at you.

Now I'm not saying the CIO (cry it out) method doesn't work, I'm sure it does. I just don't think Baby E was ready for it. We may revisit it in a few months, but for now, I'll rock her and hold her for as long as she needs. These days it's about 40 minutes. That's my punishment for making my baby cry I guess.

Lessons Learned

So Baby E's one month birthday just passed, and it was full of tears, screams and all around chaos. I will never judge a new mom EVER again. I will not think that I could do a better job, that they complain too much or that they are being too protective of their little one. This past month I have been schooled. Schooled by a little person who can frustrate me to no end and in an instant make me melt with her smile.

I will admit, while preggos, I was looking forward to dressing up my little girl in little outfits, going to play dates, cleaning the house while she slept peacefully in her crib....HA! Silly me didn't realize you have to get through the newborn stage to get to that stuff. The first 3 months are like an initiation or something to make sure you are worthy...I'm working on it.

You've heard people say, babies should come with instructions, OMG should they ever. I think the most difficult thing I have experienced has been putting her to sleep. She hates to be swaddled, but can't sleep without it...do you see my dilemma? Let's just say the tears and freak outs occur around here maybe ever 3-4 hours (If anyone has any suggestions PLEASE comment below) My happiest moment however has been having her fall asleep on my chest after a nice long feeding. There is no greater joy then to look down and see your little one sleeping quietly on you.

They say it all gets better at 3 months, but that seems like a long ways away, and I don't want time to pass to fast because I want to enjoy these months. Here are a few things I've learned so far this month...

1. Diaper change does not necessarily mean only one diaper will be changed; when the new one goes on, the baby will likely poop as you close the tabs; and one wipe is never enough.

2. Have fast reflexes or you'll get peed on; so always have a clean onesie close by.

3. Because she has finished sucking does not mean the feeding is over. Your boobs are now property of your little one, she can eat when ever and as often as she pleases.

4. Crying is the most heart wrenching sound a mother can hear

5. Baby giggles is the most heart warming sound a mother can hear

6. Mommy guilt is a constant, deal with it.

7. Personal Hygiene in the mornings (showers, brushing your hair) are now a luxury

8. Tears that flow are not only those that belong to your baby

9. Everyone has advise, you can't please everyone.

10. If Breast feeding, doing it in public, even with a cover will sometimes get you looks. Screw them, you're feeding your baby!

I could go on since this whole month has been a learning experience, but I wont. I just hope that baby E will grade me on a curve and realize mommy is doing her best and is learning as she goes.