Save Your Pity Please

Recently, an old friend of mine posted something on her Facebook that got me thinking. She posted "10 things you didn't know about me", one of which was this; "I hate it when friends who have babies and post more photos of the baby then their husbands...can we say murder of a sex life?"

This got me thinking about how sometimes child free women view mommies. Is it bad to say that we are misunderstood by our child-free sisters? Dare I say they pity us, or do they just not understand? So here it is. I'm gonna answer some of the "why" questions our child-free friends may be wondering (many of which I have been asked by various people) . Maybe it'll shed some light and they will understand us, rather then pity us.

Q: Why don't you take care of yourself anymore?

A: We do take care of ourselves. Maybe not in the way you think I should. I try to eat well, work out if I get the time, sleep when I can. I try to stay healthy and fit. But if you mean why don't I get dolled up on a daily basis anymore, well, I spend most of my day with a baby. They don't judge me on what I'm wearing or what my make up looks like.

Q: Why do moms always cut their hair short or put their hair in a pony tail?

A: Time is limited. I don't have the luxury of spending 45 minute blow drying and flat ironing my hair. I have 5 minutes to get ready while you have 1 hour. I have to get another person ready too while you only have to take care of yourself. So yes, function over fashion. I think it's a good look for me.

Q: Why did you cancel your gym membership?

A: After putting the baby to bed, getting dinner on the table and doing the day to day things that make my household run I just can't find the time or energy. This is not to say I don't exercise. I carry around a 20 Lbs weight all day. Up stairs, down stairs. Into a crib, out of a crib. Onto the floor, off the floor. Add in a infant car seat...I'm carrying 30 Lbs. Check out my biceps, I can probably beat your ass in an arm wrestle.

Q: Guess you can kiss your high heels goodbye. Aren't you sad?

A: I may be in flats now, but that's not to say I'll never wear heels again. I just can't bring myself to wear my $300 Jimmy Choo's to strollercise, seems like a waste. Plus, you have to take your shoes off at Baby and Me classes anyways, so what's the point? Yeah, I'm sad. I didn't know I had to pick between hot shoes or a baby...I hope I made the right choice!

Q:Your home all day, why do you look so tired?

A: No answer. If you ask me this I'm afraid I may lunge over and smack you.

Q: Do you REALLY need all that baby gear?

A: Imagine this. You are unable to tell anyone you have to go to the bathroom, but you have to go all the time. You can't wipe your own butt, and when you do take a dump there is an off chance it may be so explosive it will shoot out the back of your diaper (even sometimes getting in your hair). You are on a special diet, and eat every few hours. You have to be occupied at all times, and at times you have trouble staying awake for more then 1 1/2 hrs. You can't stand, so you have to sit...anywhere, even dirty public bathrooms. Now also imagine you need someone to carry all of this for you because you are too little to do it yourself...that someone is me. I'm sorry I don't want to make my baby sit in a full diaper or leave her in an outfit where she just shit all over.

Q: Can't you sleep when the baby sleeps?

A: Can you sleep on demand? I can't

Q: Why are you in yoga pants all the time?

A: I bend down a lot! to pick up the baby, to pick up toys, to play with her, to clean up after her. I have 20 seconds to go to the bathroom when she is awake as to make sure she doesn't fall flat on er face, get into my BlueRay, or pull down a chair. Buttons and zippers take too long. Your not in yoga class, why are you wearing them?

Q: Why are all the pictures on Facebook of the baby?

A: For the same reason all the pictures of you are in a club. This is my life. She takes up most of my day and I like sharing the fun with family and friends.

Q: Why are the pictures only of the baby, and not of the family and you and your Husband?

A: I'm with the baby all day, sometimes the day goes by so fast I feel like I missed her doing something. I take pictures to capture memories to I can look back at them. Just like you and your friends getting shit faced on Saturday night. It's hard to get a family picture. It's just the 3 of us and if mommy and daddy are in the picture, well, baby hasn't figured out how to use the camera yet.

Q: Your sex life must suck!

A: Not that it's any of your business but...not it's just fine thank you. After a long sleep deprived day of work, house and baby honestly, you are too tired to get to the dirty dirty. However, DH and I find the time. It may not be as crazy, hot and wild as before, but hey we've also been together for almost a decade. We also love the personal time when we do get it since we know that it can be hard to come by. You know when my sex life sucked? when I was single.

sometimes I talk to my child free friends and they sound like they feel so sorry for me. Please don't be sorry, I'm not. Yes, I have spit up on shoulder, my hair is in a pony tail, I wear yoga pants, I run on 5 hours sleep a night and sometimes I'm elbow deep in shit, but this is my life. I choose to bring a life into this world, I choose to have a child. I may complain but it's not for you to feel sorry for me, it's because you are the first adult I've talked to all day. Don't pity me, my life is filled with so much joy. I look at my husband and get to know that he is the best man I've ever known and he is a wonderful father. I get to enjoy seeing my husband totally melt when his daughter hugs him. I get to hear this tiny person call out "mama" and smile at me when I look into her eyes. I enjoy baby kisses and cuddles and unconditional love (for now). I get the gift of wonder when I make a silly sound and hear my daughter giggle and I get to hug my daughter and know she will be my baby forever. So please don't pity me. Just be understanding. Understand that I may always be 15 minutes late to our coffee date, I may smell like throw up sometimes, I may have to cancel on you at the last minute and I may have to pull out a boob in front of you when I'm not prepared for a feeding.

It's a Mommy Thing.

Listen, I'm sure that fathers out there feel just as connected to their children as mothers do, but reality is they're not. Last night I was very emotional (one of the joys of post pardum) and DH asked me what could be done to make me less stressed. Hire a nanny? Baby sitter? I told him none of the above, nothing. You see, I recently started weaning Baby E onto formula. I had been Breast feeding up to this point and finally have come to terms that there is no shame in me giving her formula. I've breast fed for 7 1/2 months and some would say that is pretty darn good. Especially since I've been dealing with supply issues since Baby E was 12 weeks old.

Let's just say Baby E has not been a happy camper since I have only been offering the breast once a day (soon to be zero times a day). She origianally took to purees and formula with no issues but recently has refused or taken very little of either; I figure she knows her days on the boob are numbered. Any mother will tell you, when your baby doesn't eat well, you worry (and get very fustrated and stressed). So there I was, offering purees 3 times a day and offering a bottle of formula when i though she was hungry... washing most of it down the drain day after day.

I was sad, fustrated, stressed and yes, sleep deprived (post partum insomnia is also a bitch!) I told him, there is nothing he could do. I worry, if it's not about what and how much she is eating, it's about her development, her sleep, her happiness, me being a bad mother. Mothers worry, some more then others; me, more then most.

I felt bad telling DH that I didn't think he understood. I mean, he loves Baby E just as much as I do. But I really don't think he does. Even friends (non-mothers) who tell me not to worry, I'm doing a fine job, I really don't think they get it ether. Not to sound trite, but something changes in you when you become a mother. You have a whole new reason for living. This tiny person is looking to you for everything and until you hear them crying and screaming "mama" and you knowing "mama" is you do you understand how heart wrenching it is not to be able to instantly make them feel better. If they fall it takes everything in you not to want to break their fall, even though you know that have to learn on their own.

I always thought that I would be one of those women who went with the flow. That I wouldn't worry so much, about everything. I used to say 'Those mothers are too attached, too clingy' If I've learned anything these past 7 months it's this. A mother can never feel too attached, too clingy, it's impossible. I guess if the day ever came that I stopped worrying that I was being a good enough mother, that's the day I'm really not.

Asian Canadian?

So where the heck have I been? I've been around, not sleeping has a way with messing with your head so, even though I've had things I'd like to share, I've stayed away in fear that I would type something incoherent and totally off the chain. I'm sure you've heard enough about Baby E's struggle with sleep so I'll spare you ...for now.

So yesterday was Chinese New Year. Kung Hay Fat Choi to my Asian peeps. It's the year of the Dragon, what that means is beyond me. Which brings me to the reason I'm posting. As a child my family would celebrate CNY in grand style. Granted, we lived in a predominate Chinese community and now I live in Ottawa, where people think great Chinese food comes from a take out place and includes a giant order of Chicken balls and "red sauce''. Let me explain to thouse unfamiliar with Canada's capital city. It's a great place, nice people, clean and family friendly. However, ethnic diversity is nothing compared to where I grew up, Markham, Ontario (just north of Toronto).

Now that we are parents DH and I are very aware of how "Canadian" Baby E will be. Take CNY for example. We did nothing. OK I posted something on Facebook, I called my mom and took Baby E to her great grandmothers to wish a happy new year, but that's it. DH and I give out lucky money not for tradition, but for obligation (since Baby E will be sure to receive some) I didn't go out and buy fresh flowers, I didn't decorate the house or put out treats, we didn't see a dragon dance, all CNY traditions. I'm finding it difficult to infuse Asian culture into Baby E's life. I'm Chinese and DH is Vietnamese, yes there are similarities, but the two cultures are vastly different. I was born in Canada and DH immigrated here when he was 4 years old. Safe to say we are both pretty "Canadian".

I feel like we may be jipping Baby E out of something. I try to speak Cantonese to here (when I remember) but I always forget, since I'm the only one in our family who speaks a different language. I guess I fear that one day, she will be visiting my family in Toronto and wonder why she doesn't understand what her cousins are saying, why they can speak to grandma and grandpa in a different language and she can't. Why they eat congee (Asian rice porridge) for breakfast and she prefers bacon and eggs.

I love that I live 5 hours away from my family, it limits drama but sometimes I wish I lived closer, not for me but for Baby E.

By the way, Baby E will never eat a chicken ball with "red sauce" if I have anything to do with it.