Fear Factor

I hit my 32 week mark yesterday, and I will say this….”HOLY SHIT!” I cannot believe I have 8 weeks to go before my due date. These past 7 months have flown by and I have really loved being pregnant. Aside from the blood sugar tests and the aches and pains I’ve relished this experience and really hope I can do it again in the future. Mind you I have yet to actually give birth with will may have me crying foul and make me swear I’d never do it again. But for now, I am loving it. Until the reality sets in and the true magnitude of what will happen in the coming weeks hits me. DH and I are having a baby! OMG! A little person will be coming out of my body and our whole lives are about to change. We’ll be swimming in uncharted waters with a million questions and no doubt a few minor breakdowns on my part.

I am at a point where I have flash thoughts of fear. So many questions run through my mind:

I have to push something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a plum?

I’ve never been a pansy when it cames to pain, I’ve usually pushed through and dealt with it. But the thought of pushing a human being out of my body freaks me out just a bit (by a bit I mean a lot) Especially if it’s a big baby. The thought of an Episiotomy makes me shutter in fear.

Who do I trust my baby to?

This just may be my over protective nature, but it makes me wonder who I can trust my baby to. Now I know that for the first 6 weeks or so I’ll be there to feed the baby to ensure breast feeding develops well, but what about after?


Will I loose who I am?
I know my life will never be the same again, but what about the person I was before I had a baby. Will she still be here or will she be replaced by “one of those” women. Hopefully, it will be a good mix of the two.

Am I being too protective?

I’m a strong believer that being too protective really messes up a child. They learn to be afraid of things and don’t learn to develop a voice to have their opinions heard. Something I am known for…LOL. So where do you draw the line? When coddling becomes counter productive?


What if I do something wrong?

Now this is a loaded gun. So many things a new mother can do wrong. I know its going to be a learning process but I can’t help wondering, what if….
What if I bath the baby wrong and it results in something bad happening?
What if I don’t put enough layers on the baby and it gets sick?
What if I don’t produce enough milk for the baby will it grow properly?
What if
What if
What if…

and the biggest fear of all....
What if I'm no good at this parenting thing?

One of "THOSE" Women

We all know about the physical changes that happen to a woman when she is going to have a baby, I mean I've bitched about it enough here already; but what about the mental changes; changes in perspective? Look, I'm not an idiot, I knew there would be a change in the way I think and how I view things but I am surprised of just how much change there has been. I now get excited over things I once found ridiculous like a Diaper Genie? I am so happy when I see a sale on diapers or anything else baby related...Do I need a baby beanie with little bear ears?...Hmmm...Yes, I think I do. There are however some things I still find ridiculous, like a baby wipe warmer so that a cold wipe doesn't touch your baby's ass...really? Now a days I'd much rather stay home, decorate, organize and clean rather then go out to a nice fancy chef tasting dinner (but maybe it's because I can't eat many of the things that may be served) But most shocking of all...I rather buy baby stuff rather then a new pair of shoes!! Has hell frozen over?

Now this may just be the excitement of having a baby and this way of thinking will change once born but I can't help but think it may not. Now you hear parents tell you the change is permanent. I mean after all you are responsible for this new little person now, you and your partner in a way become secondary. I understand this but does this mean you loose who you are or do you just become a different people? I've found I'm more empathetic to people and children (while also still judgy with others) and I am much more patient. Yes, I feel like there just isn't enough time in the day, but at the same time I feel I can do things at my own pace and that's OK. Don't rush a woman in her 3rd trimester people, the result could get ugly.

I've found myself easily enthralled researching things that would have seemed foreign to me just a mere 2 years ago. Things like Steam Cell and Blood Cord Collection, RESPs and Juvenile Life Insurance. As well as everyday things like the best stroller, car seat, high chair even diaper bag. Things that used to bring me such joy like finding a great deal on a purse or mid-range designer shoes has now been replaced with giddiness over finding a 40% off sale on sleepers and rompers, or even better finding a promotion for a discounted baby sling. My messy kitchen now drives me nuts and I find the need to have things tidy almost all the time, though I have been unsuccessful maintaining this so far. now, you may say this is just the nesting phase of the pregnancy. who knows, maybe. but if it keeps up DH will be one happy camper with a clean organized house to come home to every night.

Now, I have always wanted to have children, and never debated weather or not to have a family of my own; but I always said "I'm not going to be one of those woman". Come on, we've all done it; the ones who eat, breath and sleep baby. But now that I'm stepping into a pair of different shoes I realize there is no use fighting it, it's natural, becoming "one of those women" doesn't have to be a bad thing, it just makes me a different person then I was pre-baby, not different to be unrecognizable, just different with seeing the world through another prospective. I think it only becomes an issue when everything I do becomes baby centric to the point where I loose who I am. When I can't carry on a conversation with my non-mommy friends without bringing up baby this and baby that, when all my interests are out the window and replaced with baby only things. Not only do I think that's unhealthy I think it's kind of messed up. After all mommy is still an adult, with adult wants, interests and likes. So with that I say I'm going to embrace these changes and natural instincts, there is no need to fight nature after all, let's hope I don't get viewed as "one of those women."

Things You Can't Learn From a Book (This may get graphic)

A few nights ago I headed back home to Toronto to see my girlfriends. They were throwing me a baby shower and it was so good to catch up. It's amazing how in just a few years many of us have become wives and mothers. It seems like just yesterday we were all hanging out on out high school spare at the local Chinese restaurant buying illegal Marlboro and complaining about calculus. My oh my how have times changed. Instead, now our conversations turned to child birth and child rearing (after all this was a baby shower) and all the ugly, not so lovely things people don't usually like to talk about when discussing the miracle of pregnancy and child birth. Obviously, I'm gonna talk about some of these things here. These are just some things I found interesting (yet scary). Things baby books just don't tell you, but maybe they should.

1. You should line your bed in case your water breaks while you sleep.

I always thought that when your water breaks you already felt contractions, I didn't know this was not always the case. Plus, I figured most first time pregnancies were usually late and often had to be induced. Imagine my shock to know that 2 of the 4 mothers at my shower were early AND their water broke while sleeping.

I also didn't know that if your water does break while in bed your mattress is toast, you can't get that stuff out. So mental note so you can save yourself a new mattress line the thing with some sort of plastic (shower liner) under your sheet; and a towel wouldn't hurt either.

2. You will grow more body hair in places that have a lot of friction.

During these 3 trimesters I wont lie, I've gotten hairier. Now I learn that it;s not over? Places like your belly are gonna get worse? How fantastic! (insert sarcasm)

3. Breast milk does not just come out of the nipple.

Apparently breast milk will come out of the Areola (area around the nipple) as well. Thats why it's important for baby to latch on properly. My friend says "when you pump it's like a sprinkler of milk" (wow, thats graphic and freaky) Oh, did I mention that blocked milk ducts can be super painful too? the beauty of becoming a human cow.

4. You may very well poop on your baby.

Thats right people, I went there. There is a chance you may poo on your baby. Your pushing him/her out and as you do that you may push out something else too. Welcome to the world baby!

5. Depends are not just for old people with weak bladders.

While recovering in the hospital use Depends to help with bleeding more so then a regular pad. It's cleaner will be much more comfortable. Yes, I stood in line with my pack of Depends already; so weird and embarrassing at the same time.

6. Olive oil, not just for salads.

Apparently, midwives commonly use olive oil to massage the perineum, this may help prevent tearing and the need for a Episiotomy. I say if you have a midwife willing to help you out and save you the pain of tearing or being cut, do it! Not sure if the hospital would do that for me.

At the end of the night I left my shower feeling better educated then I did walking in. These were words of wisdom from solders who experienced things first hand, they had children and experienced on their side, who was I to argue. I just took the info as gospel and filed it away in my mommy to be brain bank.

I was happy to see old friends and family and happy to have so many people support me in this new adventure, I felt like people were there to help me as much as they could. I did however feel sorry for another friend of mine, who after hearing all these things about pregnancy, is now convinced she wants to adopt rather then go through all olive oil rubbing, Depends wearing, body hair growing baby pooing pains of child birth. We'll see.

Beware: Hormonal Pregnant Woman...Proceed with Caution

I will say this, throughout this pregnancy I've had it pretty good (Knock on wood that doesn't change). I haven't experienced a lot of swelling, I don't have a lot of body pain, aside from my hips; which by the way makes me feel like I'm 80 years old, and I haven't had very many crazy cravings leading me to eat like crazy. In fact veggies and fruit is what I crave most. But one thing I have noticed is that I'm more easily agitated then normal; if you can believe that to even be possible. Now, many of you who know me personally know this, I am no bed of roses at times and I have a tendency to be brash, outspoken and just plain tough to take at times (we all have to embrace our faults people, and I've embraced mine). However, I have noticed that lately, my tolerance for some things stands next to nil. Maybe it's a maternal protective instinct, or just hormones but there is no doubt that I seem to be ready to throw down at a moments notice or give my signature look of discontent when something irritates me.

For example when people don't allow you to cross when it is clearly a pedestrian crossing in a parking lot. If you did this to me before I had become a human incubator I would have let it slide or at worse given you a nasty look. Now, I have no issues with flipping you the "have a nice day finger" or calling you out as the jackass you seem to be. In my mind, if you can't wait the extra 5 seconds for this preggo woman to waddle across the crosswalk, you're a jackass. Now, I can see how in situations like these it may be nothing more then a protective maternal instinct being protective of the growing human being inside of me, I mean you did just almost plow me over with your car, but I've noticed my tolerance for stupidity has also plunged to an all time low. Usually I had some sort of tolerance fro this behavior, but now a days it's next to zero. People making stupid comments, inaccurate information trying to pass as fact and just general douche bag behavior now causes me to roll my eyes and I have to bite my tongue (or I'll get fired or some sort of altercation would ensue). I guess I have to just chalk this up to being hormonal,after all I am supposed to me more moody now a days right? But then again I could also chalk it up to being exposed to an increased number of stupid people and jackass'...I think I choose possibility #2, it seems more of a realistic possibility. ;)

Whining rant #1

This is more me whining then anything else...be warned.

In the beginning I thought that if I literally doused myself in coca butter and Bio oil I could escape the dreaded battle scar of pregnancy, stretch marks. Sadly, this is one war I am slowly losing. Now, I will say this, I don't think it's as bad as some other women, but then again I am only going to to week 30. For those of you who don't know common areas for preggo stretch marks are on your hips, ass , breasts, thighs and of course the belly. I have them on the my lower belly. It looks like Freddy Kruger made his way to my belly and had a party. It sucks! They say that if your mom had stretch marks you will likely have them too...so I guess I was doomed from the start.

I'm hoping that with continued massage and many more bottles of Bio oil they will fad away.

Fingers crossed.

That it all.

Oh Sugar!

At around my 24th week, I, like almost all preggo women had to do my glucose test, aka, the nasty sugary orange drink test. This tested if I would have gestational diabetes. GD is more common in certain ethnic groups and I happen to be one of them.

Wikipedia defines Gestational Diabetes (GD) as:

Gestational diabetes (or gestational diabetes mellitus, GDM) is a condition in which women without previously diagnosed diabetes exhibit high blood glucose levels during pregnancy (especially during third trimester of pregnancy).

Gestational diabetes generally has few symptoms and it is most commonly diagnosed by screening during pregnancy. Diagnostic tests detect inappropriately high levels of glucose in blood samples. Gestational diabetes affects 3-10% of pregnancies, depending on the population studied.^[2]

Babies born to mothers with gestational diabetes are typically at increased risk of problems such as being large for gestational age (which may lead to delivery complications), low blood sugar, and jaundice. Gestational diabetes is a treatable condition and women who have adequate control of glucose levels can effectively decrease these risks.

At first, I also defined it as being a pain in the ass, but after the a few hours I realized this could be a blessing in disguise. My placenta was blocking my insulin production, so if left unmonitored my high blood sugar could result in me giving birth to a giant baby; something I did not look forward to pushing out. So my test came back positive, I knew this would go away after I gave birth and after the placenta was out of me but while preggo I was going to have to monitor what I ate, Sour dough dipped in balsamic and garlic olive oil and crazy no amounts of fresh white pasta for me, cupcakes were now put on the "maybe just half" list and trips to Bulk Barn for sugary snacks have now been shelved. As mentioned in previous posts, my body was no longer my own. I had a baby to take care of and that was priority number 1. So to limit and control sugar and complex carbs may be annoying but in the end if I have a healthy baby it's all worth it so I don't mind shelving chocolate for the next 3 months. I am really luck however, this baby has been craving all the good stuff, fruits, veggies and hardly any red meat. However, I did now have to control my fruit intake. I had to go from eating 5 servings of fruit alone to only 2. Bye bye apple and pear combo in the morning, Baby likes apples.

As much of a pain in the ass it is to test my blood sugar I see this as sort of a blessing. I've always loved food and loved carbs. Bread, white, crusty bread was always a favorite; but I know how bad it is for you too. Plus, all I have to do is control what I eat, at least I don't have to use medication or worse, inject my self in the ass with insulin. One of my fears was to gain a crazy amount of weight with this pregnancy. With the possibility of Gestational Diabetes a controlled diet has helped me control that. As of my last OB appointment (4 weeks ago) I had gained a total of 16 Lbs; today's visit I lost 7 off that. So entering my third trimester I'm going in healthier, not heavier (by much), but of course we'll see what the next 10 weeks will bring. In a few weeks I'll find out how big this baby is (and maybe the sex) and monitor it's growth. Cross your fingers its not a turkey! For my VaJJ's sake I'll cross my fingers and toes!

That's a Kick, Not Last Nights Spicy Korean Dinner!

When week 24 came along I started to get worried. All the books I had read said that I should be feeling some kicks by now. What was going on? Early on, about 16-28 weeks, I had started to feel what I would describe as "flutters" or "waves" around my belly. I had convinced myself early on that it was the baby moving. True or not, it helped me feel a bit more connected to the little bean. However, up until the first kicks I didn't really feel "fully" connected to the baby, I mean I could have been wrong, those flutters I had convinced myself to be movement could have just been last nights spicy Korean kimchi or gas, how was I supposed to know I've never felt a baby move inside of me before. Aside from the changes in my body, the ultrasounds and the occational flutter, I didn't really have a regular way to know that the baby was happy and developing well.I was pretty bummed.

It wasn't until 2 weeks later when I first felt a kick (or a jab or a hiccup, who knows) it came when I was at work, sitting at my desk. Suddenly, I noticed this mild thumping deep inside of me. Was this it? Was this my baby telling me it was happy and well in my growing belly? As the day went on I felt more thumps and as days passed actual moving around. I was super happy; I told DH that night and couldn't have been more excited. It was still too early for him to feel them but they were defiantly there, and I wasn't confusing them with gas or anything this time.

As days progressed the kicks, jabs and moving around got stronger. Now I'm happy to say I can feel them (and at times see them) from the outside and DH has felt a few too. I'm happy he can finally experience some of the cool things I've been going through. I now take a few moments out of my morning and before I go to bed to lay down and feel and enjoy the movements. I mean how often will I get to experienced this right? I am now just entering my 3rd trimester so I haven't yet experienced the crazy painful stuff I've heard can happen, like the baby kicking you in the ribs or you actually seeing a foot shaped bump on your tummy, but I think in a way I may actually enjoy it, no matter how unpleasant it may be.

I will say this though, it is kind of weird to look down at your belly and see it move around. Sort of freaky but also awesome at the same time. Like an alien has inhabited your body, and is trying to escape, but at the same time your OK with it too.